People who enjoy salt & vinegar chips are a sturdier breed, more prepared for life’s challenges
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New neighbor: Hi. It’s nice to meet you.
Me: It’s nice to meet you too. This is my daughter, 9
Neighbor: What’s your Twitter @
Me: DAMMIT
Yes, 911, that guy just fed my house letters again.
Airbnbs today: wash the towels, iron the sheets, mop the floors, defrost the freezer, mow the lawn, clean the gutters, paint the trim, dust the floorboards, check on my mother-in-law, … And don’t forget to leave us a five star review.
Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill – tomorrow I think I’ll actually turn it on!
I took my sandwich out of the bag and I saw THIS! I went back and spoke with the manager an demanded an explanation. He looked confused, so I pointed at the writing and asked why someone felt the need to write it. He answered, “because you ordered a BLT with cheese?”🙈
by not dating me, you are tragically missing out on me saying “have you seen this tik tok” every 20 minutes until you die
-first day at NASA-
colleagues: 5, 4, 3, 2, 1
me: do you guys do this in every elevator
[soup kitchen]
*homeless man is handed a plate*
What the hell is this?
-Turkey bacon.
*throws tray against wall*
I’m hungry! Not desperate!
Why are the people on soap operas always CEOs?
Nobody works at Walmart?
If Socrates had been a woman, he would’ve said: All I know is that I have all these clothes, but I have nothing to wear.
Young people of today will never know the joy of having a cassette stuck in the car stereo & listening to the same 12 songs for 20 years.
Did you know that nuns have to eat a banana with a knife and fork?
found out today that in my 7-unit “no pets allowed” apartment building, I am the only one without a cat. I’ve been surrounded by secret cats this whole time
People keep asking Me why I created mosquitoes. To bite you repeatedly and give you malaria, that’s why.
13: I found a baggie of pot.
M: *takes it* Thank you, bringing it to an adult was the right thing to do. Now go outside and play for 3 hrs.
What is bluesky and is it pronounced like a cloudless day or a Polish last name?
When they said “History repeats itself,” I wasn’t expecting all of the twentieth century in two years.
Sorry I’m late. The door said PULL, but I don’t believe everything I read.
Because I’m on diet, I only ate half of a donut and saved the other half for 2 minutes later.
[skating together on a frozen pond]
Her: Isn’t this romantic?
Me: *sees a ‘danger thin ice’ sign, makes a beeline for it* hell yeah
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
And if I die before I wake
Good
Yeah yeah “Friends with Benefits” are cool but have you tried “Friends with Batteries”? Less drama!
After taking a bunch of 7-year-olds on a field trip to the Natural History Museum, I realized their favorite exhibit was “Elevator Buttons.”
Clicking my heels together three times and saying “there’s no place like mozzarella sticks”
[My Dad returning 15 years after he left to buy cigarettes] I’ve got toilet paper.
Anyone else notice your clothes only get caught on door handles when you are already angry or annoyed???
Wife: It’s like every man on earth has to share one brain
Me: [can’t think of a good comeback because it’s not my turn to use the brain]
[first date]
Her: I love big hearted people
Me {trying to impress her}: I have hypertrophic cardiomyopathy
If the number 666 is considered evil, then technically, 25.8069758 is the root of all evil.
Sometimes it’s just nice to sit back, relax, and watch shit happen to someone else for a change.