Is it still murder if they said, “Some other time,” but I thought they said smother time?
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NOO THERES A MOSQUITO IN MY ROOM AND IT WANTS ME. BAD
If being chased by an alligator be sure to run in a zigzag pattern so he can get in his cardio before ultimately catching and killing you.
My therapist: And how are you doing this week?
Me: Oh. I’m good. Great. Things are great. How are you?
My 8 year-old desperately wants to be a teacher when she grows up and loves pretending she’s a teacher around the house. Today I found her eating a cupcake in the kitchen and when I asked her who said that was OK she replied, “it’s teacher appreciation day”
People in the UK eat more bananas than monkeys.
In 2014 they ate 73,432,384 bananas and only 6 monkeys.
Million Dollar Idea: Footwear that loudly screeches “go away” when people get too close. They’re called SHOOS. (Patent Pending.)
I’m going to buy a bathroom scale and eyeglasses. after that? I dunno. weight and see I guess 🤷♀️
A Roomba, but to shave my legs.
Movies lie. I’ve never woken up in the morning with perfectly coiffed hair and pristine makeup. I always look like Sideshow Bob after a hard night of drinking
I went to confession and the priest said, “pics or it didn’t happen.”
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
[first guy to discover magic mushrooms]
those…those were not portobellos
What was a common name in the Middle Ages? I heard people named their kids Lance a lot
Whoever can shoo the lizard out is the alpha in your house
If someone tells me “don’t be surprised if we find a body” I’m going to be many other emotions first.
They’re not all brilliant, but they’re all mine. Meaning my tweets, and maybe my kids, whatever.
imagine you’re in a heated argument with a Wiccan and they start lighting candles.
If your doctor has to google something right in front of you, you’re probably going to die.
Some song titles sound better when you replace “girl” with “squirrel.”
Case in point: “Jessie’s Squirrel.”
Me: Strengths? I never vomit when I’m nervous. *vomits*
HR guy: Umm…you sure about that?
Me: Oh yeah, yeah. I’m just super drunk right now
“ONLY 90s KIDS WILL GET THIS” I say loudly as I gesture towards my crotch
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: I brought a girl home last night
911: That’s not an-
Me: NOW SHE WON’T LEAVE!
*swat team busts down my door*
8 yr old: mommy, why are you laying on the floor?
Me: I just did 438 sit ups.
8: sounds legit.
I’ve taught her well.
Instead of a flask I keep a small kitten in my jacket pocket that I pull out for a quick pet whenever I need a pick-me-up.
who sleeps with a chair next to their bed that’s like asking for a dead family member to wake you up at 3am asking what you’re doing with your life
Who needs expensive lip plumpers when your toddler can hit you in the face with a toy train for free?
djs are so lazy man. been listening to mixes all morning and they’re all using the same carbon monoxide alarm sample faintly in the background
I walk around my yard with a cane so my neighbors will never ask me to help them move something.
Its not what it looks like officer!
“you were driving down the highway taking selfies singing n’sync”
Ok I guess it was what it looked like
Baby rabbits🐰 look like wise old Kung Fu masters.