This morning I fixed the Keurig by violently shaking it upside down and suddenly all the other kitchen appliances started working correctly.
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Friend: Dude, you need to get into her pants.
Me: [imagining how soft her leggings would feel over my thighs] YES
Pregnant women go through a “nesting” phase where they make a tree fort out of twigs and parts of men they’ve killed.
My insomnia has it’s own toothbrush in my bathroom.
Whoever said ‘carbs are not your friend’ does not understand how friendship works.
deleting dating apps because i want to meet someone the old fashioned way (riding an unsinkable luxury ship right into an iceberg)
I used to quickly lick the tip of my pencil when writing my poignant thoughts but now I have to eat three or four pencils just to make a grocery list
My youngest just brought me a bagful of her baby teeth and is demanding answers.
One time someone told me the camera adds 10 pounds and I was like why would anyone eat a camera you idiot?
Isn’t it time to start naming hurricanes after IKEA furniture.
It’s rude to upstage the bride on her wedding day but that’s exactly what’s going to happen when I burst into flames as I enter the church.
My toddler has discovered this new thing that makes her laugh uncontrollably and it’s watching her parents try to swat a fly
Anyone who wants to learn how to be humble, feel free to talk to me. There’s nothing like learning from the best.
Wife: Who is the prettiest of my friends?
Me: your mother, why?
W: Stop acting like you’re 12.
M: (thinking) I dodged that bullet again.
seems the leprechauns have supply chain issues just like everybody else
Dad: Nobody thinks you’re funny.
Me: People on Twitter think I’m funny.
Dad: What kind of drug is Twitter?
ME: [brutally murdered by police for no reason]
MEDIA: Man Involved in Yesterday’s Curfuffle Had Troubling History of Pot Use and Cursing
I’m trying to get a rotisserie chicken home before it gets cold I don’t have time for suspicious lights in the sky
God has left this place
My dog wakes up at 4:30 every morning so he can take a nap by 6.
Watched a quiet place part 2 tonight and all I could think about was how screwed they all are once that baby becomes a toddler
Me: *sigh* I’ve had so many shellfish lovers
Doctor: You mean selfish?
[30 crabs come out of my pants]
Doctor: Haha here’s some cream
It’s like the people in this restroom don’t even want my help unbuttoning their pants.
STOP RUNNING AWAY I JUST WANT TO HELP YOU
I hate when someone you love says mean things like, “It’s time to wake up.”
The way I see it, you have 2 choices: you can go with the grain, you can go against the grain, or you can go across the grain. 3. You have 3 (three) choices.
Every generation gets the Batman it deserves, not the Batman that it wants, and then two additional Batmans.
NEMESIS: i hate you
ME: i hate me too. and the enemy of my enemy is my friend
NEMESIS: so can you stay the night?
ME: i’ll ask my mom
In zoom meetings I try to sit as still as possible so that people think my connection is bad and don’t call on me
customer behind me in line: hey I think your phone is ringing
me: oh *declines it* thank you
*dumps more fleas on my head*
*sits back down in front of chimpanzee*
So, anyway, like I was saying…
Lost my job naming hurricanes after 3 ex-girlfriends called & complained. In hindsight, including their last names may have been a bad idea.