*getting a deli sandwich*
person making sandwich: only 1 piece of cheese?
me: yes
person: u can have 3 pieces of cheese for the same price
me: that’s ok I’m good
person: it’s FREE cheese tho
me: I don’t want that much cheese
person: *yelling* ITS FREE CHEESE
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The UPS driver beat on my door so loudly that it sounded like the cops. Calm down, dude, it’s just my cat food.
I’m “befuddled to learn that people make money on YouTube by just reacting to other people’s YouTube videos even though my son has explained this to me many times” years old.
[wife crosses out another baby name off the list]
What? What’s wrong with Carlos Danger Grenades?
Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.
~What is your sin, child?
My husband and I are arguing
~That’s very common.
…about my boyfriend.
Interviewer: says here you have a military background
Me [getting out my phone]: yeah but I changed to a picture of my dog eating spaghetti
When my new neighbor dies, I’m going to hire the same tree removal service he has outside my window right now to work during his burial.
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
Katy Perry says that god spoke to her before the Super Bowl and said “you got this,” so it’s safe to say that god has crappy taste in music.
We woke up to a noise.
I grabbed a bat.
He grabs a can of body spray.
“Really? Gunna make this burglar irresistible to women huh?”
I keep every love note I’ve ever written because one day I’ll have grandchildren who will find them and it’ll fill my heart with joy to hear one of them ask what it means to tongue punch a fur burger.
This day in history. 1701. Maryland legalized divorce in cases where the wife displeased their clergyman. What kind of kinky cult was that?
People that drive Jeeps will always make a point on how rugged their vehicle is by putting one wheel up on the sidewalk
Everyone is freaking out because I brought my own gavel to court, no one knows if I’m allowed to do this, the judge is crying
My Ponds Vanishing cream disappeared.
ME (working in a bank): Ugh I am so tired today
ROBBER: EVERYONE ON THE GROUND & DO NOT MOVE
ME [blowing up neck pillow] I could kiss you
Queen: Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: Not exactly ON the wall
King: I said I’d do it at the weekend. Get off my back, Sandra
Them: you have an attitude problem
Me: it’s not a problem… I like it
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I tell her there’re no throw pillows in heaven.
I’m tired of people asking how I wrecked my car. That’s just the way it looks.
Me: So if a bunch of people have infections do you guys have a staph meeting?
Doctor: I’m going to give you a shot to help me relax
“Invisible Woman” just followed me.
I did not see that coming.
“Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.”
– Isaac Newton, observing me on a date
A worm is a pretty shitty prize for getting up early if you ask me.
me: hit that tree with your fist
hitman: that’s not what i do
me: hundred bucks
hitman: no
me: will you punch a house
contractor: [looking at a water leak in my office] ok so it’s just a simple fix. you could do it yourself if you wanted to
me: yea i don’t
[Showing Tom Cruise a video of me putting on a sock while standing] I do my own stunts too.
Girls get so turned on when you take charge. Grab her hair and tell her she needs a shampoo with no harsh sulfates and a new lip stain.
“Will you stop CHOKING?”
First Aid in my house, apparently.
“Failure is how you grow.”
– my bathroom scale, picking the wrong motivational quote
my dog when i have a friend over