[in hell]
Me: omg is that melted cheese
Satan: no it’s lav-
Me: *already waist deep* ope real hot
You Might Also Like
The spider that keeps building a web across my bedroom door.
I want to open a coffee shop at the Family Law Court called Grounds for Divorce
LIVING WITH A ROOMMATE
• difficult to find someone cool
• their friends might ask to stay overLETTING RATS TAKE OVER YOUR ENTIRE APARTMENT
• easy to find rats
• they will never complain about what you make for dinner
• people will NOT ask to stay over
Sorry I asked, “Is it friendly?” & tried to pet your baby.
Women that date guys with bad grammar are the goodest.
My dad had a new radiator fitted, then realised you could no longer open the drawer. So he remade the drawer like this to correct his mistake. This sort of thing explains a lot of my upbringing.
Was your teacher drunk when he made your multiple choice test?
1) Yes
Δ) No
%) I love you guys
M) 8
•) Potato
Pro tip: If your full grown kid won’t move out just tell them their Christmas gift is in the driveway and lock the door when they go look.
I’ve never been in love… But I imagine its similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food.
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me: Idk how dark is it?
My kid was struggling to solve a complex math problem and tried unsuccessfully to ask Alexa for help. Being the responsible parent I am, I explained the best way to crowdsource a solution is to post the wrong answer on Reddit and 500 peeps will correct you in minutes.
friend:
There’s this thing that starts around 6PM andme:
I’m already out.
SOMEONE IS AT THEIR HOUSE!!!
– dogs
I put my slacks on just like everyone else, from a waterslide into the loving yet frighteningly powerful arms of my pet minotaur Ferdinand
These Brit awards outfits are getting stupid now.
I found a voodoo doll covered with pins on my doorstep. Too bad their plan backfired. They used an acupuncture technique and I’m feeling better than ever.
[goes to sign up for course on how to handle bad news better]
“sorry, we’re full”
[lights myself on fire]
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: Any initial concerns?
ME: Volcanoes
I: About the test?
M: No
I: Ok then let’s go
M: *drives into active volcano*
Top Seven Cereal Brands with Sexual Innuendo:
6. Lucky Charms
5. Cream of Wheat
4. Grape Nuts
3. Trix
2. Honey Smacks
1. Nut ‘n Honey
I’m 50. I thought I would have flown through a room almost horizontally shooting 2 handguns at the same time by now 😌💭
My mom didn’t care what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern”
People are all “Sure, I’ll help you move” until they see my prized collection of cement blocks from around the world.
A Freudian sitcom would be How I Meant Your Mother
It’s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.
Last night I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a screwdriver. I turned a few heads.
“And we’re back at the Baby Walking Finals!”
“Our next competitor is attempting a 3 inch step…”
“He got his right foot down firmly and the grandparents are impressed. Can he stick the landing?”
“He’s coming down with his left foot and… Ohhhhh he’s fallen flat on his face!”
BLIND DATE: My last boyfriend thought he was such hot stuff. But he was really just a big fish in a small pond.
ME, a giant worm in a hat and trench-coat: Ha, what a loser! But seriously like how big specifically though?
Every morning when I get home. I thank my cats for allowing me to live in their house.
[after drug rehab]
Jon Arbuckle: Hey Garfield
Garfield: *normal cat noises*
Husband: Did you eat the last of the Girl Scout cookies?
Me: (brushing off crumbs, swallowing hard) There was a break in.