I’m so hungry I’d eat a vegan.
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While we’re on the subject….
*throws your homemade scone out the window and breaks a windshield*
Him: A nap? Really?
Me: It’s not me. I have two wolves inside me and they want a nap.
Him:
Me: I’m a responsible owner and let them nap.
Him: Guess they like pizza, too.
Me: What do you have against wolves?
You’ve been promoted to customer
#FireSomeonePolitely
Friend: do you regret becoming a father?
Me: no way. I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world.
Friend: you want the rest of my fries?
Me: touché…*mouth full of fries* touché.
I work with my husband, so we can write off marital counseling as a business expense, right?
I like when players of opposite teams hug after the game as if to say, “We’re all so very, very rich.”
I’m dreaming of getting rich like my father.
Wow your dad must be a rich man.
No, he too is dreaming of getting rich.
Nothing’s more infuriating than opening the in-flight magazine to see the Sudokus already half-done, in the colors of your rival Sudoku gang
If I can hear you chew, I have fantasized about your death.
ME: That’s a lovely aerial shot of the beach. Where did you get it?
WIFE: Google Earth
ME: Ok, you’re gonna have to narrow it down a bit for me, Sharon!
me: I liked your memoir. Not sure why it ended with a recipe though
food blogger:
I just don’t understand how moats ever went out of style.
What do you call a cappuccino with an old friend?
A catchupino.
#RubbishJokes
You never see anyone in Star Wars wearing glasses. Is there someone out there performing Lasik with tiny lightsabers and a very steady hand?
Chasing my dream
Dream: I have a girlfriend
I’m wondering how far I can go with this guy on Hinge who seemingly has no idea we went on multiple dates last year. The sex definitely won’t ring any bells but meeting my brother again might.
It’s like you don’t even care that I filled my pockets with mashed potatoes and gravy for you
Can’t. Busy training my new cat to bite people who show up unannounced
God: I call it a Caterpillar
Angel: What is it?
God: A worm with feet
Angel: You’re really out of ideas huh?
God: Then it grows wings
a group of ocelots is called an awfelot
If mobile wallets do away with credit cards, they’ll need to come up with an app that can scrape my windshield.
Friend at Memorial Day BBQ: I see you wasted no time with the white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
Oscillating fans are for when you want to be cool every 4-8 seconds.
Some random lady took down our outside decorations because “Halloween is over,” and now I want to invite her inside because Dinner is over, and I don’t want to clean up from dinner any more than I wanted to clean up after Halloween.
[movie theater concessions]
Me: ok kiddos we can get popcorn or we can pay for your college.
Kids: POPCORN!
Wife: seriously!?!
Me: [shakes head sadly] they’ve made their choice.
Just walked past two South Asian men in the street who were reading out the individual components of a full English breakfast from a restaurant menu and absolutely weeping with laughter
Calories don’t count – no one taught them Math.
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “Leg day at the gym.”
I made a joke about a lumberjack funeral once and got followed by a logging association, a lumberyard and 2 funeral homes
What a heatwave. I just fried an egg on the top of my car! I needed help to get the cooker up there, but it was worth it.