Alexa, trade my personal privacy for a cooking timer please.
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My long hair falls out constantly so I leave it everywhere for birds to make nests, your honor. That’s why my DNA proves I’m thoughtful, generous, and especially not guilty of this crime.
[pet shop]
me: excuse me, do u work here?hamster: no
My 3yo laughed and said look at this really funny picture of you Dad!
Then he held up my driver’s license
shaggy: hey scoob where’s my burger
scooby: ruh roh
shaggy: great danes only live 8 years you know
scooby: ruck roo
WELL OFFICER IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO SEE ME MASTURBATING YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE PULLED ME OVER
“I like to think I’m a pretty laid-back person”
*starts driving*
“LOOK AT THIS IDIOT!!! WHAT IS HE DOING?!? JUST GO, MATE!!!”
If you end calls with telemarketers by saying “OK love you bye,” they put you on their Do Not Call list.
[calling my ex]
me: hey so I really hate how I left things with you
her: aww me too babe
me: so… yeah… can I come pick them up?
I kept getting my shin badly grazed by the pedal of my bike when I was was a kid, that was one vicious cycle.
It’s a myth that comedians stop being relevant after they turn 40. I managed it in my mid twenties.
Princess Peach: Something’s different. You seem taller.
Luigi wearing Mario’s red overalls: No, nothing is different. It’sa me, Mario.
Pro Tip: If you are under the age of 35, don’t get married. If you are over 35, don’t get married. If you are 35, don’t get married.
if ur ever losing an argument all u have to say is “yeah yeah yeah, save it for the judge” and walk away
It’s called a flat stomach in UK but an apartment stomach in America.
You call it the Friend Zone. I call it Palcatraz.
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow.
ME: *paying bills online* I’d wait
All the girls I’ve ever kissed can agree on one thing. It’s weird that I have a beak.
*me struggling with life*
I guess I should start watching a new show.
HEIST MASTERMIND: There’s laser tripwires everywhere, so be careful.
GUY WHO ALWAYS OPENS BAGS OF M&Ms WAY TOO HARD: Got it.
Him: you’re beautiful.
Her: no I’m not, hehe.
Him: yes, you are.
Her: you’re crazy, I’m hideous.
Him: oh, ok. I see it now.
Spoiler Warning: Playing possum when you get pulled over will NOT get you out of a speeding ticket…
CUTE GIRL I LIKE: I’m gonna hang up
ME TRYING TO FLIRT: No you hang up
Alhumdulillah my country is full of talent
Dads, when there’s 38 things to do before everyone is ready to leave: I’m going to go wait in the car.
Me: [buckling 3yo into car seat] You can’t have a popsicle in the car. You’ll get messy and sticky.
3yo: *ear-shattering screams*
Me: Good point. How many do you want?
My greatest accomplishment as a parent has been convincing my kids that Chuck E Cheese closes for “flu season.”
Video Games made me do it.
Rock n’ Roll made me do it.
Witches made me do it.
Satan made me do it.– a short history of responsibility
Child: [crying]
Me: OMG WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My science grade dropped to a B+!
Me [who at the age of 53 learned that a lamb is a baby sheep and not a completely different animal]: Well you’ll just have to try harder.
Kobe was a legend on the court and just getting started in what would have been just as meaningful a second act. To lose Gianna is even more heartbreaking to us as parents. Michelle and I send love and prayers to Vanessa and the entire Bryant family on an unthinkable day.
me: I’m nervous about my job interview
friend: just be honest
[later]
interviewer: hi
me: yeah a little