Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
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Hey remember that snarky insult you threw my way three weeks ago? Well now I have comeback so please repeat it.
No expert, but pretty sure the chickens need a new toner cartridge now
If I could hop as high as a frog in relation to the size of my body that would not be a very safe or useful superpower but goddamn would it be fun
My ideal woman:
– beautiful
– bold
– speaks French
– has an army
– is of arc
1 year older today, and still no closer to growing up
I used my husband’s shoes to check the mail and was immediately compelled to ask the neighbor kids why they trust the trees since they’re so shady
Dolls on drugs
Me to 2yo: Hey bud, what are you having for breakfast? Sausage? Eggs? Hash browns? Oh… 8 forkfulls of ketchup? Good job!
Day 1 of quarantine: I’m going to take this as an opportunity to improve my health
Day 2 of quarantine: Due to personal reasons, I am eating a lasagna in my shower
You: Be kind. Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Me, wearing a shirt that says “I am battling the moon and it is not a secret”: Ok.
[first day as waiter]
Me: the chef recommends the carb-free hamburger wrap with—
Sir Mix-A-Lot: 🎶My anaconda don’t want none unle—
Me: sir you can’t bring pets into the restaurant
If you haven’t tried blindfold archery you should give it a go, you don’t know what you’re missing.
[first time at a rave]
These M&Ms make my hair follicles feel weird
As a man with a beard, I can tell you, when you get sauce in there you just rub it in. It’s part of the beard now
If the office coffee pot doesn’t have to work until it’s banged on the counter neither do I
I don’t know if there’s a right time for your preschooler to whisper, “are humans made out of meat?” in your ear, but I know that 3 AM is the wrong time.
BROTHER: The Godfather is on? That’s not very Thanksgiving-y.
ME: Well, it’s about family…
Clark: *on one knee* Lois, will you help me turn this MEtropolis into a WEtropolis
To avoid further heartbreaks from loving someone who doesn’t love me back I have decided to focus on things I have a better shot with…like my love of chicken wings.
Chicken wings: Um, I have a boyfriend
Not gonna elaborate, but I just found out the hard way that the phrase isn’t “self defecating humour”
*gets down on one knee*
2010 Drive-by: Someone wants you dead.
2020 Drive-by: It’s probably your birthday.
I PASSED THE BAR!
On the way to work and I didn’t go in! Yay me!
Insomnia: Hi
Me: Hi
I: Hope I’m disturbing you
M: You are
I: You know what we could do?
M: Let me sleep?
I: HA, no, let’s think about hippos
The next person to take my tweets seriously is getting $500
When a black guy pulls a knife on me on the subway I remind him he doesn’t have to feed into racial stereotypes. Then I usually get stabbed.
Do you have any motivational books?
Yeah, they’re in the back.
(long pause) Do you have any that are closer?
[in bed]
Me: Don’t you love being on top?
Date: *peering down from top bunk* this isn’t what I had in mind
Me: shhh, you’re gonna wake my mom
Some of us just had a bee in our shirt and we weren’t actually KungFu fighting.
my serotonin level is perusing other interests it seems.