The worst part of Aquaman’s day is when he has to kill time on land for half an hour after eating a meal.
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50% of Roger Federer‘s name is “er”
My kid just said good nightmare instead of goodnight, so no, I will not be sleeping this evening.
It’s like my cat doesn’t realize my retirement plan involves him doing something interesting enough to be famous on the Internet.
My ex gf came from the land down under, no not Australia, Hell.
feeling sad today. can everyone please send cute pictures of their credit card, front and back?
If you live in an apartment in NYC you’re already part of the tiny house movement. You’re just in denial and paying too much.
[First Date]
Me: So, Construction?
Him: Yeah
M: You nail stuff? With your big hammer?
H:
M: Like to screw?
H:
M: Hey! Where are you going?
For years I thought I was depressed. Then I got divorced. Turns out it was marriage, not depression.
Elf on the Shelf Log:
Day 1: I hung him from a lamp, oh the hilarity.
Day 6: I think he IS moving at night.
Day 9: He’s in my liquor again.
Day 12: Wife and kids moved out, Jingles thinks it’s for the best.
Day 21: *house burns, sirens wail in the distance.
Friend: Wow, you’ve been happily married for 25 years?! What is your secret?
Me: He travels, A LOT.
Mickey wouldn’t last 2 min in a Tom & Jerry episode
[watching any cowboy movie ever] i should buy a horse
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
ME: Dave’s coming over for tea
WIFE: Dave from work or Dave I’m having a secret affair with?
DAVE: *from inside wardrobe* I don’t eat peas
Relationship status:
Just kissed my cat and he got up and moved to the other end of the couch.
[stranded on a desert island]
*finds a message in a bottle*
hey honey, where do we keep the teabags?
I finally wore the shirt my boyfriend bought for me last Christmas and he asked if I was wearing a new shirt and that my friends is what relationships are all about
When your wife is out of town and you accidentally tell her that you killed the baby
[creating pandas]
Angel: How about a cute looking bear thats shit at sex?
God: Make it black & white we’re running low on colours.
*inside camp-out tent*
“Wanna hear-”
*puts torch under chin*
“-a scary story?”
*flicks torch on, it vibrates*
“OMG. ITS. NOT. A. TORCH.”
I’m 99% sure the plane Harrison Ford was in is from the Amelia Earhart exhibit at the Smithsonian.
Me: We spend a lot of time together.
Her: Turn left.
Me: Just think we should take this to the next level.
Her: Arriving at destination.
me: i just get the feeling ppl don’t like me, you understand, right?
therapist: no i totally get it
[trying to get out of date]
ME: Oh sorry, I have a missed call from 911
HIM: That’s not how-
ME: *mouthing* IT’S AN EMERGENCY
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
I know this now.
[leading strangers around an art museum] And here we have da Vinci’s Vitruvian man, a beautiful AND scientific representation of how humans were designed to fold “hot dog wise” and not “hamburger wise.” [i quickly usher people along as I see security shuffling towards me]
I won’t be satisfied until I have enough followers to form sects that fight about how to interpret My tweets until they kill each other.
sometimes I fill up my bathtub with spaghetti sauce and sit in it and pretend I’m a meatball
Me: Wow, this one’s super dirty. I’m going to leave it to soak
Wife: That’s our daughter and no you’re not
Engineer: A short circuit in the deer’s nose could cause it to glow red hot. Yes, it’s dangerous.
But should we recall, the most famous reindeer of all?