I don’t go back to my hometown very often because I’ve burned too many bridges. And also because I am wanted for bridge arson.
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I am fluent in three languages…english, sarcasm, and profanity
Top 4 horrified face expressions:
4. dragged away by crocodile
3. stabbed by serial killer
2. mauled by bear
1. no toilet paper
dentist (who has studied mouths for years and has my mouth on display with perfect lighting, and is asking this question because she knows i haven’t been flossing): have you been flossing
me (slyly): yes
I like the idea in Star Trek that universal audio translators are a thing by the 23rd century. That means around the 22nd century we just get special glasses that show subtitles
I gotta say, I’ve never been in an Uber with red and blue lights!
Also, I don’t remember calling for one…
me: *applies to cult*
cult: no thx
Mechanic: What’s the mileage on your car?
Me, panicking: Umm, 106.7 KROQ
Mechanic: Isn’t that a radio station?
Me: On second thought, I’m good with the old oil.
After you hit the snooze button five times, the alarm clock should start reciting your Google seach entries at full volume.
WIFE: I want a divorce.
ME: Is it because of my small wrists?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: [taking off bracelet] Then take your ring back.
Apple want $3,500 for their Vision Pro. No thanks. I can look like a dork for free.
yesterday i took apart an egg timer because the ticking was too loud. i thought when I got it open and saw all the gears id know what to do. this was not the case
Witch 1: *crying* the doctor said I can’t have kids
Witch 2: oh no, why?
Witch 1: I need to watch my cholesterol
My favorite things about Texas are definitely our toast and our chainsaw massacres.
The wife and I just got divorced.
We split the house………I got the outside.
FRIEND: [over the phone] Do you think the quarantine has changed you?
ME: [knitting a dress for the raccoons in my backyard] No
Construction sites are dangerous places. I nearly blacked out holding in my stomach as I walked past one.
Me: *just trying to pick up my groceries in peace*
7: can I have a plastic ax? I promise I won’t hit you with it.
Me: big day today
Brain: we’re ready
Me: yep
Brain: not like last time
Me: what
Brain: when you wrote ‘gren’ on the colors test
Me: I was 5
Brain: don’t blow it today
Me: Evil never sleeps
Daughter: STOP CALLING ME THAT
Life is like a box of chocolates. When it’s finished all you’ll have is a box.
My coworkers and I pitched in to buy Greece
as a retirement gift for the boss..We decided it was better than a $50 Applebee’s gift card.
I can’t believe that somebody abandoned this perfectly good clothes rack.
In today’s installment of “getting absolutely wrecked by my child” I present her commentary on dinner:
“You did the best you could.”
I can’t tell the difference between large, extra large and jumbo eggs. There, I said it.
I once dated a guy only because he had a cool hidden safe behind a painting in the hallway he kept the spare toilet paper rolls in there
Rich people don’t understand cereal
I put my phone in “airplane mode” and threw it up into the air. It just fell and now my screen is cracked.
Worst. Transformer. Ever .
Sometimes my dreams are so realistic that I have to talk myself out of them. Today it was, “you can’t try out for the baseball team, you’re 36.”
A girl started to drink barbecue sauce like it was water and I just stood there and watched because I haven’t been trained for this