I have a spot on my glasses but nothing to clean the lens with so I’m learning not to see it. So…pretty much how I deal with all my problems.
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So, it turns out “hey, check out this rash” isn’t a great pick-up line.
59 days until Christmas. I better start untangling the lights.
Why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
Flex on your dinner host by excusing yourself mid meal to go take a bath
[first day in a hair band]
Singer: you’re bald
Me: yes, I lied on my resume
If you pull out a knife and start sharpening it, people soon stop telling you about their plans for Valentine’s Day.
There’s an age where being drunk becomes pathetic but if you hang in there somewhere around 70 it becomes cool again.
Spice up your confession by changing ‘Father’ to ‘Daddy’
I’m not sure which is a gentler way to wake me up; my 2yo or walking barefoot through a pile of glass shards.
WAITER: the duck is organic & cruelty-free
ME: can i order a duck who endured lots of cruelty
WAITER: what why
ME: a duck killed my father
Aggressively singing “This Is How We Do It” while putting my husband’s clothes in the hamper instead of the floor.
Kidnappers: *repeatedly dropping me as I slip through their grip*
Me: *earnestly apologizing for how sweaty I get during social interactions*
Me: I’m not a morning person
Everyone: no shit
If Twitter is a rave then Facebook is a Tupperware party.
R.E.M: Stand in the place where you live
CDC: Exactly
R.E.M.: Now face north, think about direction, wonder why you haven’t before
CDC: Uh, okay?
R.E.M.: Now stand in the place where you work
CDC: NO
Scientists: You’re all going to die. The Earth is doomed. Life is pointless.
Also: We spent millions on a woolly mammoth meatball no one can eat.
Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
What idiot made dessert forks smaller than dinner forks?
Jurassic Park but with ferrets instead of dinosaurs.
First date idea: you buy me a castle in Scotland
There is no greater lie than “if you tell the truth, I won’t get mad.”
It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Pokey.
But I’ve turned myself around and that’s what it’s all about.
The secret to good barbecued chicken is to marinate them in the sauce for 3 days prior to grilling. The hard part is getting them to sit still.
snow white’s glass casket was the original snow globe and if you think the dwarves didn’t fill it up with glitter and shake her around in there when they got sad, you’re a fool
Please say a prayer for my former coworkers. They’re fine but they still work there
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: cats climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: nope
Husband: Just think how much money we’re saving by staying at home.
Me: *shopping online*
Mmm hmmm, sure seems that way.
AUNT: You look just like your dad.
ME: Thanks. We both use our eyes.
Is it me or do the unread books in the bookstore just seem shinier than the unread books at home?
Macaroni Grill closed four locations here. I suspect the tendency of macaroni to fall through the grill had a lot to do with it.