According to this box of spaghetti I am an Italian family of 8
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Breath escapes my broken body. I collapse amid dark, icy spears of pain. The fight’s done. It’s over.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: You’ve done 9 seconds
If you walk into a meeting and say “sorry, I have to go to another meeting.”
You can avoid every meeting.
You’re welcome.
You blow one bubble and suddenly all the other bubbles are talking about you.
My husband just got to level three on netflix: “faking an illness” to finish binge watching
I’m on level 6: “faking your own abduction”
H: I’m going to fix our washer myself.
M: Okay, I’m going to Lowe’s to pick out our new washer.
Genie: I will grant you 3 wishes.
Me: I wish buffalo hot wings were the healthiest food on earth.
G: Sweet. You have 3 wishes left.
M: Dont you mean 2?
G: Nah, Dawg, that wing wish was tight, I ain’t charging you for that.
me: look, I’m just saying things have gotten really complicated, and I think we need to start over
box of plastic wrap:
4yo: Why don’t brother and sister listen?
Me: You don’t either!
4yo: I know but this isn’t about me right now
*pulls lighter from bra*
*lights smoke*Where’s the shit you made me at school?
18 hasn’t had a haircut since the start of the pandemic, yesterday he let 20 cut his hair so he could donate it, today the post office lady asked what I was sending and I said a ponytail and not another word, anyway, I’m expecting to be on a list by end of day.
In the autumn there are two types of creatures who collect acorns: squirrels and toddlers.
My personal trainer and my marriage counselor have vastly differing opinions on how many “cheat days” I am allowed each month.
MARATHON RUNNER: [breaks through ribbon at finish line]
GUY WHO LOVES MARATHONS: Hooray
GUY WHO LOVES RIBBONS: What the shit
Hey guys with your phone in a hip holster, is it because your purse is too full with tampons?
What I lack in legs I make up for in forehead
I wanted to do a random act of kindness, so I took a parking ticket off a car and threw it in the garbage. Boom ticket gone.
Colleague: want some popcorn? Keeps you young and beautiful like me
Me: Really? Looks to me you should’ve been eating a hell of a lot more
I keep having to put away a lot of shoes for a family who hasn’t gone anywhere in 7 weeks.
It was worth a shot 😂
I always say no to drugs. But, if they ever start deep frying them, I’m in big trouble.
My wife has close friends whose husbands are notably worse than me and I highly recommend this arrangement
Apparently saying “If you think your wife is fat now, wait till she has the baby” is not a good way to congratulate someone.
just saw a rat running up the street he’s probably late opening his restaurant
Becoming a parent changes your whole life.
One change I was not expecting was that whenever I sit down, I release a hormone only my child can detect that causes him to ask me for something.
“Yeah, well your dog isn’t a rescue, your snacks are processed and everyone knows you’re vaccinated” – how a kid talks shit in 2015
Me: How’s it going?
Coworker: Can’t complain.
Me: Try harder.
Coworker: Life is meaningless.
Me: Atta boy.
Chestnut implies the existence of legnut, armnut, necknut and the much anticipated buttnut.
If you’re really not supposed to mix vodka with nail polish remover it should say so on the bottle
[taking immortality pills]
wife: but wont we get bored of eternal life?
me: dont worry, we’ll have each other..
*we swallow the pills*
me: i can still see it in your hand
me: interested in how the sun shines in our new apartment
boyfriend: