Goth karate is easy because you already start off with a black belt.
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Dog Park
Kid: What’s his name?
Me: Dorito. He’s a therapy taco. Don’t pet him.
Kid:*Throws Ball*
Taco:*Chases it. Lettuce flies everywhere*
Date: You don’t look anything like your profile picture
Incredible Hulk: THE BUS WAS LATE
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
Watching Finding Dory & her parents call her “cupcake.” How do they know what that is?
This movie doesn’t seem very realistic, you guys.
After I dropped my daughter off at college, my youngest son said “We’re finally empty nesters. Let’s start traveling”.
Yes I can speak a foreign language if you count when I talk about the 80s in front of my nephews.
Diarrhea is too hard to spell so I call it crapplesauce
If I knew I was going to have to homeschool my kids, I would have made sure my husband used a condom.
DOCTOR: I think you have a curvature of the upper spine
QUASIMODO: That a diagnosis?
D: We need an X-ray to confirm. Right now it’s a hunch
*just after death, I head toward a bright light*
ME: Jfc, do you have a dark mode?
JESUS: *sends me straight to hell*
ME: NoOoOoTtt liiiiiiiiiiiiKe
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Is it rude to interrupt someone’s wedding vows and ask if it’s time for cake?
imo funniest unshakeable ex-catholic instincts are call-and-responses like ANY time i hear “may the force be with you” i think “and also with you. lift up your hearts. we lift them up to the lord. let us g
How many minutes after someone’s fired is it cool to take their stapler?
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
cop: *knocks on my car window*
me: sorry is the music too loud
cop: yes
me: *sets down bagpipes*
Watching Jeopardy backwards would be about a panel of 3 people asking Alex Trebek questions that he always gets right.
30% of parenting is just asking,
“Why is this wet?”
An umpire pulling out a small broom and sweeping his date’s chair before she sits down.
Satan: “Waaazzz up?”
God: “Speak of the Devil.”
Satan: “Really?”
God: “Sorry, figure of speech.”
Satan: “Jesus Christ.”
Jesus: “What?”
People are posting throwback photos to their first days of school, and I’m like “I was a third child. My parents only have about 10 photos from my entire childhood, maybe 11 tops.”
falsely accusing someone of being a contrarian is absolutely brutal. what can they say to that
A pile of inside out bathing suits can be found by the rotisserie chickens because I couldn’t find a dressing room at Costco.
Def Leppard are a bunch of liars. I poured some sugar on a girl one time and it was a complete mess, she was not happy at all.
Music Royalty Succession Chart
Queen
|
Prince
|
Duke Ellington
|
Steve Earle
|
Lorde
|
Lady Gaga
|
Sir Mix-a-Lot
[aliens observing earth]
ALIEN 1: Did all of their clocks just move ahead an hour?
ALIEN 2: Looks like it, yeah
ALIEN 1: Bunch of idiots
“Careful, there’s poop on the dance floor.” – how ballet was invented.
you could post a photo of a celebrity like “she looked so cool in the 90s” and some freak will quote tweet it like “Yeah, she looked so cool in the outfit she wore to go run over 15 people with her car on June 4th, 1993.” and it’s like i’m sorry why would i know about that
I don’t know what my husband is planning on doing for me for Mother’s Day but I hope it’s the laundry.
They didn’t want anyone Trick-or-Treating last night, so I went Christmas caroling.
Jesus needed to sleep in a cave for 3 days and he didn’t even have kids