ME: I lied in my interview.
BOSS: what was the lie?
ME: all lies. except about my aunt.
BOSS: she wants to party with me?
ME: big time.
You Might Also Like
Wikigenius
DATE: I love playful women
ME: [dusting off an old porcelain doll in my purse & setting it on the table] Oh so you won’t mind that Cynthia joins us then-
Better than the last 5 star wars movies. 😂😂
This guys talking about “Calm down, everything happens for a reason”. Then he gets all angry when I punch him in the face. What a hypocrite.
Be the change you want to see in the world.
*follows husband around house closing cabinet doors
I covered my gf with dough and raisins and put her in the oven to annoy her. Hell hath no fury like a woman sconed
Policeman: Name please?
Woman: Cheryl Cole
Policeman: Your FULL name
Woman: (quietly) Chernobyl Coleslaw
hostess: table or booth
termite family: we’ll have both
it may not be my circus, but if I’m being honest… more often than not, it is my monkey
ME: lick it slam it suck it, right?
HER: give me back my baby
Cops: put your hands where we can see them
Invisible man:
Welcome to Pushovers Anonymous. Cool if we start with a reading?
“fine by me!”
“you bet!”
“sounds good!”
“NO”
Sir, please leave.
“NO”
Okay.
Did I say feelings? I meant uhhh sandwiches. I have sandwiches for you.
The only reason an IKEA kitchen will last you 25 years is because it takes 23 years to put it together
Me: *puts mistletoe over our heads* oooh you know what this means
Dementor: what the hell
Programming Skills: PRIMARILY RUBY AND PYTHON BUT I CAN USE ANY TYPE OF GEM TO CONTROL ANY TYPE OF SNAKE
I follow funny people on Twitter because according to the police, doing it in real life is not appropriate.
Deep down, we’re all that one lady in 7-11 with her bathrobe on.
Why don’t you get back in your little car with lights and pull over someone who cares.
My husband asked if I wanted to go on a hot air balloon ride but there’s just something about a flame & a wicker basket that makes me want to say no.
It’s a shock to me that people actually pay their student loans. That’s a bill I gave to Jesus
It’s actually Dr. whatever
I just locked eyes with a spider.
But instead of killing him I ran away and hid, so he can spend the night stressing about where I am.
The baby bites me a lot cuz she’s teething and fine, whatever, but just now she followed it up with some loud air chewing like she thought she was actually eating me and that was appropriate.
O-mi-cron, Becky. Look at that variant.
Standing in the liquor store, trying to decide if tonight’s dose of self-loathing and regret should have a screw-top or a cork.
Why Are My Nails Dirty When I Live Inside and Watch TV?
-a memoir
I am ‘being spanked and told to nap is punishment’ years old
*winks*
What happens if you fight a dinosaur?
You get Jurasskicked!
If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.