teacher: can anyone tell me what poor mental health looks like
me *raises hand*
teacher: yes good example
You Might Also Like
I miss phone booths both as a source of loose change and also as protection against attacking seagulls
Having a kid is great because it’s basically an 18 year excuse for being too tired to make plans with people ever again.
Answering: How are you?
“Good”
-lame
-probably a lie
-will have you ask “how are you” in return“Not good”
-lame
-looks weak
-incites follow-up questions“That’s confidential”
-inventive
-sounds mysterious
-allows to answer follow-up questions with “that’s confidential” too 😀
Wanna come over? I have pizza and toilet paper
Mistook a discarded plastic bag for a rat today as the wind blew it across my path. On the plus side, I can now perform the ‘Gangnam Style’.
I was on a date and a Tampax Pearl fell out of the girl’s purse at the restaurant and I got so awkward because I’ve never dated a rich girl before.
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
Man, those guys in the Cialis commercial sure are charmed by their wives’ approximations of human behavior
Just checked my Fitbit. I’ve taken 212 steps today and that was just from going back and forth to the fridge.
I like long walks away from everyone
The average human walks 900 miles per year and drinks 22 gallons of coffee.
This means that the average human gets 41 miles per gallon.
“I’s up here!” – Popeye calling down from the crow’s nest.
There’s safety in numbers.
CDC: Uh, no.
Me: I’ll be ready in 2 minutes!
7: YOU SAID THAT A THOUSAND TRILLION MILLION YEARS AGO!
Looks like neither of us really have a grip on time.
Kids movies really made me believe that the greatest threats on earth were dogcatchers and quicksand
Fun fact: Taking a box of condoms to the pharmacist’s window and asking for the fitting room will get you thrown out of Target.
The only reason we have different time zones is because if everyone was sleeping at the same time, the aliens would make off with our stuff
Which wines pair best with gloating?
Hobbies include:
1. Crying about the past
2. Procrastinating in the present
3. Worrying about the future
When you’re on a date that’s not going well, just start talking about genital psoriasis.
You’re welcome.
I’m not ashamed to say I will never be mature enough to help with school projects about Uranus.
After we got the divorce she let me have everything. Except the jewelry, and of course something to keep it in. I call it “the house”..
I was offered a brownie at work and when I opened the box, it was filled with brown colored letter E’s.
Interior designer: Ugh, this is old and outdated.
Me: Wait, did you just point at me?
My kid spent a long time washing kinetic sand off his hands, so now he’s clean, but the bathroom looks like it went to a rave on a beach
imagine if bumblebees made full-volume harley davidson noises. this is the only thing that could possibly improve them
X-rays are dangerous, they were probably less harmful when they were just rays, but after the breakup…
The earth is moving, plz stop giving credit to the sun for rising
In the 1800s women were sometimes forced to wear an “A” on their clothing, signifying that they were Alvin from the Chipmunks.