Real House Wines.
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request for a new client, your honor, i think this one’s guilty
woman in car on news: “I’ve used up loads of petrol driving around trying to buy petrol” hm okay
10 is trying to negotiate a later bedtime and just told me he thinks we treat him unfairly because we make him “sleep too much” and I just wish someone would treat *me* that unfairly.
My mother talks into the phone like a combat soldier calling in air support.
Reporter: How do you feel that your proposal was turned down by Congress?
Obama: Well, I’ve alw–
Biden: [grabs mic] TURNED DOWN FOR WHAT?
When you go to buy fire insurance for your house, don’t tell them you need it by a certain date.
There’s an app for the people who say they’re not seeking some form of validation here. It’s called a diary.
Obama: “I have no more campaigns to run…because I won both of them”
Biden like 2 years later: LOL OH I GET IT. HES BEEN PRESIDENT FOR TW
*buys a sectional couch made of cauliflower*
The lady behind me in the drive-thru honked impatiently so i paid for her order. When she pulled up to the 1st window to pay, her expression was priceless. Then I picked up both orders at the 2nd window and drove away
Lawyer: And your opinion?
Cat: No question-a dog pushed the fish bowl over & ate the goldfish
Dog Defendant: Are you KIDDING me with this?!’
*First Date
Her: Why are we at Home Depot?
Me: I wanted to see what it’s like to pick out bathroom tile with you. See if this is worth it.
My wife told me to find someone else if anything ever happened to her so I don’t know why she got pissed when she found my “prospects” list.
I’m in good enough shape to be turned into a vampire now.
🎶 I’m a cat, boy / in a sealed box I hide / I’m Wanted / dead and alive!
– Bon Schröedi
Can we talk about what little red riding hoods actual grandma must have looked like?
Ian: It’s done.
Mafia boss: Did you go anywhere nice?
I: What?
MB: Like a restaurant.
I: I killed him.
MB: I said take him out! Oh god, Tim!
Stop legislating morality, instead of serving size just TELL us what the whole party size bag of Tostitos calorie count would be FFS
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
Some are mad Trump won.
Others are mad that the anti-Trumps are mad.
I’m mad that you open up a new bag of chips and it’s only 1/3 full.
Each week our panel of 3 celebrity chefs compete to create the ultimate final meal for a death row inmate on LAST SUPPER, this fall on FOX
{slowly digs both of my feet into the wet sand}
{whispers} planet shoes
A rap battle but it’s just Keanu Reeves saying “Whoa” versus Owen Wilson saying “Wow.”
some days i’m on top of this parenting game. other days I buy 2 bags of donuts and throw them and the kids outside.
I’m my own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So I’m also my best friend
I’ve always taught my children that no matter what race or religion, all good looking people deserve respect.
Weighing up my bread heating options
friend: wish you were here!
me, abruptly stopping whatever I’m doing and captaining a speedboat approaching your house: oh really
I’m stranded on a dessert island. Do not send help.
Professor X: what’s your super power?
Me: hindsight
Professor X: that’s not going to help us
Me: yes I see that now