Hi Walmart, I don’t think mushrooms will work.
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I have two boyfriends!
Well, I’m dating two men
Okay. Ben and I are just friends
Same with Jerry
Fine. I have ice cream.
But it’s love.
Whatever doesn’t kill you TRIED TO KILL YOU!
The secret to making a good egg is the way you ap-poach it.
*a man in the audience has a stroke and dies from being so angry at this joke*
You should not throw stones at glass houses but they never said anything about the home owners.
if speaking russian makes my b’s into v’s then soviet
Me: You guys wanna play house?
Them: Sure
Me, throwing the nearest kid on a gurney: We are gonna need a crash cart in here stat! WE ARE LOSING HIM! And you said you thought it was lupus.
I’ve decided to go back to meeting someone the old-fashioned way, through alcohol and poor judgment.
I use these ( … ) a lot.
For which, I believe, the technical term is Dotty Dot Dots.
If you date a guy long enough he’ll start to sound like your dad when you were in junior high:
“Have fun! Be safe! Call me when you get there! Don’t talk to boys!”
DIET TIP: You are what you eat. Do you really want to be celery? C’mon. Not even celery wants to be celery.
Be kind. Everyone is going through something. Heartache. Financial stress. Their bananas ripened too quickly. Having the song from the Jardiance commercial stuck in their head because it’s aired 5 million times a day.
We all have our battles to fight.
The glory of fall.
[arrives in heaven]
how’d you die?
me: i was sitting in a beanbag chair and my house caught on fire
snow white broke into a house in the woods and did chores. wow, boring. goldilocks, the true hero, broke in to a house, made some judgements, and then took a nap. i have no notes
People who bend down to pick up a thread instead of running over it with the vacuum 37 times, what’s it like to exercise?
if you have a cat tell them i said pspspsps
My stylist: How much fabric do you wanna wear?
Me: Yes.
Just noticed there’s no comma in “Bed Bath & Beyond” and honestly, a bed bath would solve a lot of my problems.
[happy hour with friends discussing politics]
me: I’m going to keep my mouth shut.
alcohol: wanna bet.
the bad guy in hallmark movies is a boyfriend who is like “uh no babe i cant drop everything + leave work this weekend im about to close a deal for ten million dollars that will set us up for life” and the good guy is a guy who is just standing there when she gets to her hometown
9 yo me: wow I love my public library yes I’d like to check out 14 novels that are above my reading level. Be back next week
Me now: wow I love my public library yes I would like to check out one—I believe it’s called a Bööke? I will be back in 3-5 business months
[I remove my bike helmet, but my toupee comes off with it]
“I’m sorry guys, is there something funny about safety?”
If you think Mayweather vs. McGregor is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just paid $100 to watch it.
An episode of Unsolved mysteries, but it’s just parenting a teenaged boy and trying to figure out why you’re out of moisturizer again.
“My wife worked a 12-hour day and I asked what was for dinner” I explain to the other homeless people.
[Commercial for the Pogo Stick]
Have you ever seen the inside of an E.R.? Want to?
My wife just threatened to kill me in my sleep, which seems much less horrifying than being killed wide awake. She’s always been thoughtful.
April is Stress Awareness Month, as if I’m not aware of my stress the other eleven months out of the year.
Pirates invented the diving board but get no credit
Son: When did you have your first self-own?
Me: I made fun of another kid in my class for not knowing what sex was and then I said it meant “whether you’re a girl or a boy” and everyone laughed at me
Son: No, your first CELL-PHONE