Me: I’m really struggling with this potty training.
Friend: How old is your kid?
Me: Kid?
You Might Also Like
Ion see the issue
Sorry dinner took so long! My son wanted to help and he had never used a can opener, so…the tuna casserole took about six hours longer than it should have. But he learned so much in that time.
Bon appetit!
welcome to Olive Garden! when you’re here, you’re family. sit up straight. have you gained weight? why can’t you be more like your sister
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
Harrison Ford just turned up at my AA group. I’ve never seen Han so low.
The greatest joy you can feel as a parent is when you get the call that they’ve canceled your kid’s Saturday sporting event.
Mother’s Day is just an another made up holiday so the government can sell you more mothers
I was watching a YouTube video of a cat jumping whenever a metronome clicked. I thought, “You know the sound is coming! How does it keep startling you?” And then my toast popped up and scared the shit out of me.
WIFE: *filing for divorce*
ME: Are you mad at me?
Me: get behind me Satan!
Satan: not tonight, I’ve got a headache
*1st day as a human*
Alien: I did one of those poop things
Alien 2: And?
A: The corn we ate was there
A2: So?
A: Intact. Unbroken. Even though I chewed it up
A2: *unzipping human disguise* Call Mother Ship. We’re outta here
Parenting books don’t prepare you for the moment your seven year old asks for Brussels sprouts in his lunchbox
We were just four regular guys who became legends thanks to karoke night and The Spice Girls
Her: How pathetic can you be?
Me: Gosh, I don’t know. I haven’t really pushed myself yet.
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid
Teacher in online class: Note this down fast.
Everyone:
My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.
Want to leave a lasting impression? Show up three hours late for a first date.
Worst part of my old job was drug screenings. Had to tell a guy he was pregnant. Lesson: don’t use your girlfriend’s urine for testing.
You should not throw stones at glass houses but they never said anything about the home owners.
Not saying it’s hot, but I’m slow-cooking a meatloaf in the back seat of my car so dinner will be ready when I get home.
Me: Yes, I’d like to schedule an appointment with the doctor
Receptionist: Of course. Do you have insurance?
Me: Yes, I do.
Receptionist: And this doctor is in your network?
Me: I’m not sure.
Receptionist: Ok, this will either be free or 11 million dollars. See you tomorrow!
“I want you inside me.”
-says the quotation marks to the period-
Ok, time to dust off the Christmas decorations. One year I must try taking them down.
ok what if you’re in the school pickup line and you see a woman eating from a charcuterie board in her car, would you judge me?
i mean her would you judge her
Breaking news:
The woman in the next chair is being quite rude to her hairstylist, so I can’t wait to see how the back of her hair turns out.
I sleep better naked, why cant the flight attendant understand that?
My wife and I were leaving for our night out.
Our babysitter smiled and said, ‘Take as long as you like.’
That was three years ago. I hope she likes being a parent.