“I need a car. What do you have?”
“Well, we have a Subaru Outback”
“But what kind of Subaru?”
“Outback”
“I don’t CARE where you keep it…”
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HER: You can’t even go 5 minutes without making a Star Trek reference.
ME: Yes I Khan.
No coroner will need to do an autopsy to see what I ate, they’ll just need to shake out my bra.
I guess somewhere around the age of 12 it became my turn to go on the computer, and it still is. my turn just didn’t end. more than a decade later I’m still here, on the computer
Putting glasses on a Mr. Potato Head and asking if he’s just gonna be a spec tater his whole life.
I spend a lot of time alone
Well played C-SPAN.
Well played indeed.
#Zuckerberg
Daughter:What’s a whore?
Me:Not now.
Daughter I’ll ask my aunt.
Me:You’re getting warm.
Daughter:Mom will know.
Me: You’re on fire!
Sadly, at 8:11 PM Mark Jones was mispronounced dead.
[at hospital]
Doctor: I’m afraid this man has deed. Am I saying that right? He’s deed.
WIFE: Not your eyes! You dont have to prove it anymore
GUY WHO CLAIMS HE PUTS HOT SAUCE ON EVERYTHING: *thru tears* I made a commitment babe
I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.
Why aren’t marriage prevention hotlines a thing?
Much as I like Guardians of the Galaxy, in real life, I don’t think it’s a good idea to give a gun to a raccoon.
I see in your bio you’re divorced and play the bagpipes. I’m going to venture a guess as to why you’re divorced
i like dropping bombshells on my therapist in the last few minutes so it feels like we’re ending each session on a cliffhanger
How in the hell do people lose their children in a mall?
Seriously, any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
Raccoon: So lemme get this straight: I’m adorable?
God: Yes
Raccoon: Comical?
God: *chuckles* Yes
Raccoon: Would make a great pet?
God: Oh my yes
Raccoon: Wow, I must be man’s best friend!
God: *shakes head* They call you a trash panda
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
-dog watching me fail to solve a rubiks cube
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
Flight attendant: all we’ve got to watch is air bud
Me: I know how windows work pal
The last 23,000 tweets were sent by my dog and bad decisions.
ONE NIGHT STAND, really?? Please. What kind of girl you think I am? Like, no thanks babe, I need my bedroom furniture symmetrical.
A nasal spray that’s filled with glitter, so when you sneeze it’s like a confetti popper.
Evolution: so I have some good news and some bad news for you
Dung beetle: what’s the good news
Evolution: you won’t ever have to worry about student loans
Dung beetle: phew wow that’s great! What’s the bad news?
Evolution: well
16: They asked me for my email.
12: Email? That’s like something only moms use!
16: Ewww, I know!
*how my kids take a dig at me without even trying to take a dig at me
Walking around the house looking for my coffee that’s already in my hand doesn’t mean I’m losing my mind.
It means I’m a parent.
A group of eavesdroppers is called a heard.
“Is that a serial killer downstairs or just my pet?”
– the fun game that all cat owners get to play at 3am
Here’s a promise – if a scuba shop is within sprinting distance of the ocean and they let me try stuff on I’m not paying for a damn thing.
Forrest Gump is so unrealistic. There’s no way anyone would take chocolate from a man who’s been talking to himself on a bus station bench for 3 hours.
How many boxes of Girl Scout cookies are in a serving?
I’m planning to save money on Christmas gifts this year by wrapping up all the toys my toddler dropped behind the couch.