When people show me pictures of their kids I show them pictures of my exes. If I have to look at their mistakes, they have to look at mine.
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The entire premise of Scooby Doo was if you’re scary enough people will leave you the hell alone to pursue your passion. It’s been a guiding principle of my adult life.
Nursing school doesn’t prepare you for the number of elderly patients who will casually confess to decades-old murders.
me: wanna do something fun?
her: already have plans
me: *watching her wax her legs and pluck her eyebrows* our idea of fun is very different
The year is 2073. My wife and I rest in side by side burial plots. Waking up in the middle of the night our 57yo son, for reasons beyond his understanding, digs a horizontal hole between us and gets in.
His head near his mother and his feet kicking my corpse, he sleeps.
Be the reason why your priest speaks in a dead language at your exorcism.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *plugging a snake into an electrical outlet* eel
ME: [first day working at the Christmas tree farm] I shall treat them with love and attention as if they were my pets.
BOSS: I love that
ME: My fir babies
HER: Get out
Reporter: He was strangled by a loved one
My Murderer: Whoa, love is a strong word
We have also removed your mother’s number from contacts because obviously you’re too busy to call her.
doctor: I’ll need you to remove your underpants
me: *taking underpants off my head* fine
[after having one kid then having twins]
wife: we should have sexfibonacci: absolutely not
WIFE: Do something productive today
ME: I will
[later]
WIFE: What the-?
[dog zooms by in the car]
ME: I taught him how to drive, Karen
8: I wish you could homeschool me
Me: Aww, how sweet, you’d really want me to be your teach-
8: That way like instead of doing work, I could just play baseball in the backyard and you could clean and stuff.
Me: Ah look, the bus.
Things that don’t exist:
1. Unicorn
2. Ghosts
3. Whatever thing that my wife tells me to get from her handbag.
First date tip: let a photo of a dog fall out of your wallet. When she asks “is that your puppy?” say “No. That’s my dad.” Then storm off.
I saw my shadow today. You won’t see that on the evening news because I’m not a stupid fuzzy animal
*Meanwhile at a restaurant*
Waiter: Welcome sir, would you like a table?
Me: So kind of you, I wouldn’t mind.
*Picks table and walks out*
“Hey Barack”
“yes Joe?”
“I bet T-Rex’s took terrible selfies”
“Ok Joe”
“Because they had…”
“Short arms Joe, yes. I get it. I get it buddy”
The best trick to ordering pizza is asking them not to cut it. By law, they can only charge you for one slice.
My wife left me because of my gambling addiction.
But I know I can win her back.
Coral is stupid in my opinion. You’re a rock that can die? Sounds like the worst of both worlds but “you do you”
ME: *puts my hair in a bun*
WAITER: gross
This chicken is so moist, what is your secret?
I squeeze a little KY Jelly into its cavity before heating.
My neighbors still have their Christmas wreath on the door. I was gonna knock to complain, but I don’t like confrontation so I just stole it.
Just made an appointment with a cardiologist. Don’t be alarmed, I’m sure all my cardigans are fine. I just wanna make sure they fit.
If you have a tattoo on your head, you’ve lost the right to ask me what I’m looking at.
So excited for the Apple Watch. For centuries, we’ve checked the time by
looking at our phones. Having it on your wrist? Genius. #AppleLive
Rolling your eyes is NOT a design skill.
I’m not usually vengeful, but when I am it’s because someone gave my kid a whistle.
Sometimes you just need to burn everything down to start over.. take a deep breath. close your eyes and enjoy the heat..
aaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnd apparently that’s also arson.