A disloyal friend will shank you without hesitation, but a really good friend will think long and hard about it and then shank you.
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I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
LASSIE: Arf!
What’s that girl? Timmy’s in the old well?
L: Arf arf
He’s dead? You sure?
L: Arf!
Okay here’s a check for $5K
L: ima need cash
“i wouldnt be caught dead” someone throws a net over my dead corpse “gotcha!!” “noooo”
Bathrooms have Changed from being a Singing Studio, to a Photo Studio.
saw five goats walking on their hind legs through the woods, is that bad
Bee: I got a stinger bro!
Dung beetle: Nice! [enters gods office] Sorry I’m late. Whats my special power?
God: [clearly annoyed] Eating shit
Wash your hands like you got a club stamp you don’t want Mom to see
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
I wish for World peace.
Genie: Can’t do it.
Million dollars?
Genie: Listen bro, I lied on my genie resume.
It’s all fun and games until a metal flask falls out of your car in the church parking lot.
I have started a band called Free Beer.
When people see our sign ‘Free Beer Tomorrow at 9PM’ I’m sure everyone is going to be there.
I’m sick and I’m going to work today; so if there’s some kind of Contagion-level outbreak, I’m your patient-zero.
My husband texted me while I was at the store and asked me to pick up birthday candles for my own birthday, so guess who’s turning 33 instead of 38 this year because birthday candle numbers don’t lie
*gets toy out of packaging, earns engineering degree
“Don’t stop, don’t stop! Oh god, PLEASE DON’T STOP.” – me to the server grating cheese over my pasta plate
Mom. Dad. I like my coffee like I like my women. I don’t like coffee. I’m gay.
when i die please avenge my death regardless of the circumstances
They say olive oil is really healthy and you should put it on everything, but it makes my cat look like an otter.
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
one time i hooked up with a guy who had his own recorded music on his sex playlist
I’m planning to save money on Christmas gifts this year by wrapping up all the toys my toddler dropped behind the couch.
[on my deathbed]
me: make sure the kids remember their dear ol’ dad
wife: dave isn’t old
me: what
Someone told me they don’t wear a mask cuz their nose is too big. Give me a break. I wear underwear.
[stop light]
It will turn green in
5
4
3
2
1..
And
Now
It
Will
Turn
Greeeeeeeen
*turns green*
Ah yes nailed it.
Is it still a walk of shame if I’m leaving my own house?
It ain’t like I’m proud of what happened in there.
Husband trained 5 well. Every time we have rain, she stands at the window with her hands on her hips and says, “we really needed this.”
Wife: I’m thinking of taking the kids away for the weekend
Me: All of them?
Wife: Yes, both kids
Me: I meant all of the weekends
Wife:…..
I’m texting hubs a grocery list one item at a time so he can experience his phone blowing up
I had an important meeting with my kids. I’ve been waiting to have this talk for a while. I started the meeting by grabbing the toothpaste. I made eye contact with all of them and then very slowly put the cap back on. It was a shocking demonstration, but I think they got it.
Eats one handful of popcorn. Spends next 4 years flossing.
things are bad enough, today i’m playing goodminton