[To Police Sketch Artist]
Me: “Black female…
5’3ish…
Brunette…
Curvy but not fat. Athletic, I guess…
Good sense of humor…
No kids — no divorcees either. Umm.. Must like dogs?…”Sketch Artist:…
Me: “Why have you stopped drawing?”
You Might Also Like
I only Googled how to make a bomb so I can be sure I don’t accidentally have bomb making equipment in my house that would get me arrested in a surprise police raid.
Cop: And yet, here we are…
4: Is the Easter Bunny still coming to our house?
10: Oh I saw on the news he got Coronavirus and Easter is cancelled
Me: (forgot to get Easter eggs) Yup, it’s true
Next episode of Why are Customers So Annoying
Dear Impatient Customer,
If you call someone and get their voicemail, calling me to transfer you will not make them answer when I’m transferring you to the same number you just called 5 seconds ago.
Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent. I would have to say it’s the kids.
Can I come inside the house?
Me: No
Why do you treat me like a doormat?
Me: You ARE a doormat
Doormat: Wow, the truth finally comes out!
I just want to tell everyone how I feel about you!
Ma’am I just need you to sign for these packages.
Toddler: *crawling across the desert*
Kind stranger: *offers water*
Toddler: No, red cup!
Crazy to think that even after all of these years the Titanic’s pool still has water in it.
What’s there to get? the floor is hard. And cold. And too smooth. That’s why I vomit on the carpet.
–my dog
My blood type is A+ because I’m the best at everything. Even at having blood.
Me, alone in a soundproof room within another soundproof room: *slowly and carefully tears open candy wrapper*
Kids: WHATCHA EATING?!?
My body’s check engine light has been on longer than Law and Order
[Super Bowl Halftime performance]
Rhianna: 🎶 Know you wanna see me nakey, nakey, naked 🎶
7YO: Why would he want to see her naked body?
9YO: Maybe he’s a doctor
I understand why there were reindeer named Dasher, Dancer and Prancer, but how did Vixen earn her name. What is Santa hiding
Alice: I’m late.
White Rabbit: Haha, that’s my line
Alice:
White Rabbit:
Alice: *stares*
White Rabbit: oh shit
The people who make sexy noises when they stretch are my kinda people.
[adopting dog]
VOLUNTEER: we need your life history to make sure this animal is safe[leaving hospital with baby]
DOCTOR: don’t let him die
DR: Good news and bad news
LADY: What’s the bad news
DR: Your husbands dead
LADY: *crying* Oh my god
DR: *holding finished sudoku behind back* Ask what the good news is
Date : So you’re the youngest of three?
Me : Yep, my parents are both older.
I’m not here to judge anyone’s religion. I’m here to judge their misinterpretation of it.
I find so much of my wife’s hair in the shower, I stashed some silver bullets in the nightstand. Just in case.
Don’t bother putting your hand over my mouth to shut me up, I will lick you.
[8am, phone rings]
Hotel Desk: Ma’am we’re going to be turning off the water for about 2 hours this morning.
Me: No worries, I have vodka.
My dog ran into the sliding glass door and she’s not even drunk. Good luck explaining that to your pals at the park.
The only phrase you need to learn in any foreign language is, “I know you guys are talking shit about me!”
I’m a lady and a single parent. If I ever make a joke about having a big load, I guarantee it’s about laundry.
Sometimes, I just want to be taken seriously. And sometimes, I just want to be taken, seriously.
I hate when my friends stand so close to me when pictures are being taken. It’s like they don’t know I plan on cropping them out later.