Today my 12 year old went back into a room to switch off a light, so never give up on your dreams
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doctor: why do you think you need this medication?
me: i saw the commercial and the side effects sounded pretty awesome
OCCAM’S RAZOR: Simpler solutions are more likely to be correct than complex ones.
OCCAM’S LAZER: pew pew
Your baby’s got pink eye, bronchitis AND a double ear infection?
Are you even trying to keep him alive?
I hide photos on my computer of me petting animals at the zoo in a file named FIREWORKS AND VACUUMS so my dog won’t find them.
Sure visiting family can be hard but it’s also the most efficient way to explain to your partner why you are the way you are
“Be cool, it’s the cops” I said to my 3 cats I dressed up like robbers as my other 3 cats came out of the kitchen dressed like policemen
this makes me so uncomfortable
It’ll be a cold day in hell. Cloudy in purgatory, with a slight chance of rain. And clear skies up in heaven. Now over to Jim with sports.
Me: I’m nervous about this interview
Mom: Just focus on the interviewer and answer the questions
Me: That’s a good idea
Interviewer: It is a good idea
Cute girl online: I have no idea how you’re single!
Me: Yeah I don’t know. They’re crazy I guess.
*eats ravioli out of the can with my keys*
4yo: can you get this open for me?
Me: oomph this is kinda tough
4yo: use your claws
i want a small, tasteful wedding. no family. no friends. no groom. just me eating a big cake
Dropped my son for his first day of kindergarten today. Does anybody know what age you’re supposed to pick them up?
Her: Who ate all the ice cream?
Me: *blaming the dog* Reese
Her: What? How?
Me: Witherspoon
My 3YO refuses to put on her socks because she thinks the triceratops on them will bite her, which is really dumb because it’s not a meat-eater.
Good morning people…..I woke up feeling myself this morning….wait that doesn’t sound right. What I meant is I woke up feeling confidant
Dodgeball in gym class…
because life wasn’t already hard enough when I was 12.
There are few situations in life which have to be resolved with violence for example-
Mosquito on your ex’s cheek.
I should’ve gotten my affairs in order before I decided to bite into this hot pepper.
They’re creepy, but cult leaders get shit done.
Doctor: you need to include more fruits and vegetables in your diet
Me: I hear the words but they’re not making any sense
If Domino’s was smart, they’d randomly call me asking if they should send over a pizza because the answer would always be yes.
Was at the park with the baby, and another parent pointed to a kid doing cartwheels and said, “Remember when we could do that at that age?”
Lady, I was icing my knees after recess when I was 7.
People:
I’m leaving Twitter, no telling when I’m coming ba…
I’m back.
Saturday night is for moaning My name. Sunday morning is for chanting it.
I have a favorite Telehealth doctor I talk to a lot. I said, “I think I’m dying.” She said, “You’re not dying.” I said, “How do you know?” She said, “Because you keep calling me.”
My little niece ate her chocolate Easter bunny’s face because she “didn’t like the way it was looking at her”
I’m locking my bedroom door tonight
“Call your mother and tell her what you REALLY think!
~Vodka
found out today that in my 7-unit “no pets allowed” apartment building, I am the only one without a cat. I’ve been surrounded by secret cats this whole time
I’d say 20% of my day is spent trying to convince the dog we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, ice dispenser..