Accidentally put Red Bull in my coffee maker this morning. I was going 130 mph down the interstate when I realized that I forgot my car.
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Dr Mario: you have a tumor
me: two more what
Her: I’m not wearing underwear
Me: good thing I brought extra
My husband just asked if I want to go hiking for our anniversary.
I think he’s planning on pushing me off a cliff.
These aliens are taking forever.
why don’t snakes just roll downhill sideways?
I’m ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.
My younger co-workers were all watching a reel about flowbee and debating whether it was real or not so to be a part of the cool crowd convo I was like “I remember those!” and anyway that is not how you do that in case anyone was wondering.
Illegal immigration is not a new problem. Native Americans used to call it “White People”
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
My daughter gave me a coupon book for Mother’s Day and told me to pick one, so I chose the clean your room coupon. She immediately began crying because I was supposed to choose the free hug instead.
Yesterday I was feeling off but today I knocked over a small pitcher of soy milk in a diner trying to check my reflection because a really hot girl walked by so I guess I’m back
Confuse your enemy by leapfrogging them
Waiter: May I take your order?
Yes, roll over and play dead!
Waiter: It’s not that kind of order.
Oh. Sorry. I’ll have the cheese sticks.
Me: this is almost as scary as the dmv haha
Dentist: haha yeah, my license is suspended
Me: oh, what do you drive?
Dentist: deep breath and count back from 3. drive?
Kind of rude when I get home from vacation and my plants look better than when I left
VAMPIRE: ur making this weird
ME: my neck is ticklish!
People who tweet about politics should have to pass a small test: if i say “Oh, look, a dead bird,” and you look UP, we take your phone away
Nice car! I’ll bet it goes fast!Aww — and you’re getting the door for me. What a gentleman! Sit in the back? Wow! My own chauffeur. I feel like a queen! Handcuffs? I’m not opposed — but seems a bit presumptuous for a first date.
Last time I’m saying it lady, you’re under arrest.
Voicemails that say check your email is why I prefer animals.
thanksgiving in nutshell
Me: Go to bed
4-year-old: But I have questions!
Me: You’re stalling
4: I need to know!
Me: What?
4: What if I meet a talking doughnut?
Me: [from table] garćon! *claps hands* another round for my date and me.
McDonald’s cashier: sir, you have to come to the counter to order
no one should have to work on Sundays till you pull up to the Taco Bell and it’s dark inside
National Donut Day is like The Purge for delicious, round pastries.
Some people like pineapple on pizza and some people like pizza on pineapple
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
I had a cat called key key meow so I am willing to help name your baby just ask
Friend: You can improve your visual acuity with carrots
Me: *shoving a carrot into each eye* You better be right about this, Gary
Fortune cookie: You will travel far and wide and touch many lives along the way.
Me: [sighs and starts drafting apology notes now]