The most important thing you will ever learn is the very real difference between glossy and shiny.
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Robin: Your ad says you’re looking for a side chick?
Batman: Sidekick
Robin: Close enough
Pretty funny that turtles are always in uniform. It’s like lighten up, turtles. The war is over.
Taking my sunglasses out of 2’s hands while he naps in the car is the closest I will come to diffusing a bomb.
“Are you submissive? 😏”
No, I’m off my meds with nothing left to lose
Nike is coming out with a line
of Air Brady football shoes.They have a built in suspension feature.
You just have to let some air out.
20s: I do yoga so I can be better in bed
30s: I do yoga so I can get out of bed
13 just did his laundry without provocation.
I’m sure he wants something, but he’s scaring the hell out of me.
Wife: [on phone]
Me: Who are you calling?
Wife: The fire department.
Me: Why?
Wife: I need a permit to light your birthday candles.
Are you actually cleaning the house if you haven’t shouted at everyone in it?
I was born in the wrong time period. I wasn’t meant to go to work every day. I was meant to get eaten by a predator
if evolution doesn’t exist explain pokémon to me.
Say what you will about Elon’s management style, but before he took over all you guys posted was “ugh another day on this hell site” and now you’re all like “ah twitter the extraordinary place where I met all my best friends, started my career, had sex for the first time”
If I don’t stumble across a dead body soon, I’m going to quit jogging all together
Hot Pockets- Now with 5 cheese!
Me- *adding both nacho and spray cheese* Amateurs
The “eye for an eye” philosophy isn’t exactly a level playing field if your grievance is with a cyclops.
[funeral for human statue street performer] *throws dollar into casket just in case*
I pet my dog and he didn’t wag his tail. Is he seeing someone else? Is the magic gone? Do we need to spice things up? I’ll dress like a cat.
I wish I had enough talent as a dancer to disappoint my family by becoming a dancer
Evil Scientist: I will turn you three into…A Human Centipede!
Hostage 1: No!
Hostage 2: Please! No!
Me: So…who gets to be the front?
me: i feel like im being singled out because im the oldest person in this karate class and im winning all my matches
them: this is a daycare and you are under arrest
F: Why do we even have toenails anyway? It’s not like we can pick our nose with them.
Me: speak for yourself
Year 2142: Meat eaters have died out. Vegans survive.
2143: Everyone is dead b/c the vegans couldn’t tell anyone else that they were vegan.
It’d be ironic if deaf people hung out in heards.
Just saw a BMW double-parked at the grocery store. Nature is healing.
It’s been almost six years since my first child was born, and three years from my second. I’m about to attempt a feat I haven’t dared for as long.
I’m about to put on a white shirt.
tossing the phrase “slappery slope” into the discourse like a beach ball and moonwalking away
*watches neighbor sprint outside in his underwear chasing the garbage truck after I rolled his trash can back to his house last night*
ME: i saw a guy on the back of a van
FRIEND: …and?
ME: that’s it i guess
Goldfish1: Check out my new castle.
Goldfish2: Castles are symbols of feudalistic oppression of the agrarian working class.
Goldfish1: Calm down. Take a lap around the bowl.
[5 seconds later]
Goldfish2: Hey, cool castle!
So Canada gets an entire day? What about Narnia or Middle-Earth or Westeros or other made up places #CanadaDay