There are many different theories about why humans even need to sleep but I’m pretty sure it’s to charge our phones.
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Her: I was robbed! They took EVERYTHING except some wire coat hangers and my Justin Bieber CD.
Me: I wonder why they left the hangers?
Father, pardon, excuse, exonerate, absolve, acquit, forgive me, for I have synonymed.
Him: Baby imma call you back, im in the middle of a shootout.
Her: Yea w.e, tell that bitch I said she can have you.
Messaging my hair person to make an appointment for sometime in the week and finding out they are now based in the UK….
dating:
I can listen to you talk all day.marriage:
Get to the point because I have to pee.
ME: do u like smart guys
GIRL AT BAR: yes
ME: sorry i wasted your time
I call my period Shark week.
I want to eat everything, I’m snapping at people, I feel huge, people are scared of me, and there is blood everywhere
Overheard my girls discussing how they each want 6 kids someday and “Mom will help!” so this is when I start planning my future island bartending life.
“Mom can you take this scratch off my leg?” and other ludicrous requests my kids have
PET PEEVE: Cutting donuts in half.
Either experience the complete joy of a full donut or fully punish yourself. None of this half-measure crap, please.
my mom: we found this under your bed and we are very disappointed *pulls out copy of “drugs for dummies”*
my dad: lol nerd
DISNEY EXEC: So we’re going to remake 101 Dalmatians
ME: *hand shoots up*
EXEC: NOT with velociraptors
ME: *hand drops down*
I was voted, “most likely to interfere with a corpse,” in high school.
ME: it’s like a dream come true
UNICORN [speaking German and wearing a purple leotard while smoking a giant cigar]: you better enjoy it pal we had to pull a lot of strings to make this happen
My kids always seem to underestimate the length of my freakishly long arms when they start a fight while I’m driving.
just nearly combined “no worries” and “all good” into the powerful concluding remark “all worries”
Noise-canceling headphones aren’t enough anymore. I need an emotion-canceling backpack. Existential dread-canceling cargo pants. A pair of shoes that makes me forget I exist.
Bartender: What can I get you, gorgeous?
Me: The blood of all my enemies.
Bartender:
Me:
Bartender:
Me: Miller Light
If true crime podcasts have taught me anything, it’s that serial killers are often described as: charismatic, grandiose, mobile, antisocial and sometimes can be known to live off the grid….
Yeah, I’m looking at you, Santa.
When there were bear prints in the sand that was bear jesus chasing you
[date]
HER: So what’s your spirit animal?
ME: Roosters.
HER: Lol, why?
ME: *leans in close* I also start my day screaming.
[son comes running into our room]
“Dad, there’s a monster in my room!”
Look, Marky, what-
“Mikey.”
Right, Mikey. What makes u think I care?
How to fall downstairs……
Step 1
Step 6
Step 9,10,11,12
I shake my bottled water so the H’s & O’s are evenly distributed.
Twitter is like a very demented game of The Sims. Everyday I check to see how my people are doing and make sure they’re still alive.
What happens when you retweet a compliment about how humble you are?
I got a 6 month head start on No Shave November, so I think my chances of winning are pretty good this year.
*eulogy*
Mom: [thinking] I hope he didn’t bring his banjo
Me: dad always hated my banjo
M: whew
Me:[reaches into case] but he’s gone now
I don’t mean to sound racist, but why do all Chinese food takeout boxes look the same?
I’m really shy in RL.
But on here, I can wildly yell “I hate corn!” without thinking twice.