McDonalds food takes so long because they have to mold the clay, paint the items and then spray them with real food smell
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Who needs an Air Fryer?
I think I’m a good looking guy from a distance.
As long as that distance is 300 miles.
[On a Ferris wheel]
Him *kisses her* this is so perfect!
Her *kisses him back* and so romantic!
Me: It’s weird these things have 3 seats
First date
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m currently trying to eliminate all cancers
Her: Wow, impressive
Him: Then I’ll move on to Virgos
If insanity is doing the same thing over & over and expecting different results, I must be sane cause I don’t even like doing things once.
As the pair of scissors steps up to the starting line, the other runners quickly realize that this race just got a whole lot more dangerous.
Just want everyone to know this morning I won the argument I was having with someone in my head while in the shower. Feeling good about today
My neighbours probably think I’m getting laid, but these are just the sounds I make whenever I take my socks off.
Dentist: it’s really crowded in your mouth, we’ll have to make space
Me: *spitting jolly ranchers into cup* guess I’ll save these for later
Long underwear is the fur that God forgot to give us.
[getting completely dominated in a street fight]
ME: damn this toddler plays by her own rules
You could tell Nigeria parents you’re going to a friend’s funeral & they’ll still ask you how many times they’ve come to yours. 😂😂😂
[post sex interview]
reporter: what went wrong out there
me: well, i shouldn’t have yelled “holy moly” when i came
Laundry Day
Me: Tell me about this lipstick on your shirt.
Him: Babe, I can explain!
Me: Don’t care. Just ask her the brand and shade name.
Enough with emails already. I’m only conducting business communication by Snapchat from now on.
Going on vacation is so expensive, but Camp Crystal Lake has the greatest deal this weekend. So I figured, why not? What’s the worst that can happen?
My one neighbor just said Supposingly and my other neighbor responded with Supposably..
I’ve hid both their bodies
[You’re at Gwyneth Paltrow’s house and the power goes out]
NO. DEAR GOD, NO!
No. He’s not coming out to play
I’ve yet to find a romantic comedy that speaks to me. Maybe if they set it in an institution or an Arby’s restroom.
If you love something, let it go. But if you love two things, space them out. For example, let a koala go at least three days before a lion.
You: Where’s Carl?
Me: That fool done gone and lost his mind
You: Thats too bad. What’s for dinner?
Me: Funny you should ask
Let’s all bow our heads and pray for my husband who very tragically asked me what I did all day.
I bet dogs at parties get tired of being singled out by socially awkward humans.
Guy Who Invented the Jet Engine: this will revolutionize the travel industry
Guy Who Really Hates Geese: yeah that too
me: ever heard of quasimodo
him: doesn’t ring a bell
me: i assure you he does
I don’t know much about friends with benefits but i’m always carrying a snack or two if that counts
Don’t you dare flirt with me.
Yet.
Okay now.
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice