I only buy cookware with the handles that somehow get hotter than the pot itself
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Danny in Grease: I want this car to look cool
Kenickie: sure bro
Danny: and put in a part that makes it fly
Kenickie: wait what
The FBI would save time on manhunts if they cross-referenced suspects with a list of people who鈥檝e gotten married at Disney World.
There’s that girl again. Time to impress her.
*Rolls down the window blasting a science podcast*
wife: do u want a glass of water?
me: of what?
wife: water
me: a glass of what?
wife: oh my god. *sighs* earth soup
Place a STUDENT DRIVER sign on top of your car, and suddenly nobody suspects you of drunk driving.
Enough with the fist bumping. I never understand what is happening. This time I held my hands open because I thought he was giving me M&Ms
Match dot com, but for socks.
Whenever I see a Toyota Prius pulled over for speeding the first thing I look for is a ACME rocket mounted on the roof.
*is at the movies with hot date*
*does fake yawn to put arm around her*
*yawns too hard and inhales a child from the row in front*
*dies*
Sometimes my southern accent sneaks out. Like just today I meant to say “You all” and instead I had sex with my cousin.
Prepare to receive the horse that you deserve
You can’t intimidate me; you’re not a hairbrush.
Naked and Afraid but it鈥檚 just me, on the couch, wondering if it鈥檚 safe to bite into my Hot Pocket
Whenever I hear a lady in the next stall trying to unwrap a tampon as quietly as possible I yell, “HEY, IS THAT CANDY? CAN I HAVE SOME?”
[guy about to invent magic 8-ball]
*kicking a ball* i could really use some vague advice
Mid-flight turbulence is just god鈥檚 way of preforming confessions at scale
Too many catfish out there. Verify your identity by posting yourself holding a spoon. I’ll go first
Live, laugh, wake up in an icebath missing a kidney
lightly toasted and extra crispy 馃崬
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: sorry
HER: and in my eye
ME: my bad
HER: are you sure you鈥檝e painted before
13: Mom I love Spanish class and guess what!
Me: What?
13: I’m already fluent… un, deux, trois.
Me:
13: Oh wait, that’s French.
A deer in the headlights but it’s being asked for my input during a Zoom meeting when I’ve been playing Words with Friends the entire time.
Wife text from work on Easter. “Happy Easter” quick reply as joke “I’m going to grind on you so hard” opens text.Was group family text.truth
alexa mow my grass with an upside down helicopter
I would not hook up with the grinch but i would feel good if i found that he wanted hook up with me
If Dean is Dean then why is Sean Shawn?
Told my dealer I wanted a shitload of Coke but autocorrect changed it to shipload now I owe a Columbian cartel 18 million dollars
Me: the cords are tangled.
Brain: pull at them.
Me: shouldn鈥檛 I just untangle them?
Brain: pull at them violently.
[calls 911]
Me: my wife’s been bitten by a snake
Operator: ok, suck the poison out
Me [whispering]: dude there’ll be nothing left of her
*kicks house door down* I SAID HAVE YOU ACCEPTED JESUS INTO YOUR LIFE?