the CIA has been tracking me for years cuz they know i saw two sharks jump out of the water and hi-5 but i’d rather die than rat out a shark
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My uber driver asked me how my day was so I opened the door and quietly rolled into the road.
girl: tough guys are hot
Me:
*hawk lands on my bare arm*I have a gauntlet I just never use it
*hawk gnawing on my shoulder*
I love this
*sees sister’s facebook post that her dog died*
how do i tell her i love her & i’ll always be there for her
*clicks sad face button*
perfect
Alexa just started playing Unchained Melody, so I guess things with my ghost are getting pretty serious.
Liquor Store Parking
Found my door mat
my girlfriend was cold so i bought her a fur coat. #Snowmageddon2015
If someone sends you a link marked ‘Madonna Singing Naked in the Bathtub’ don’t open it.
It’s Madonna singing naked in a bathtub.
English is crazy we’ve got silent g’s, p’s, h’s, mimes, c’s… where does the madness stop?
People actually wake up one day and decide to add raisins to rice
Me: How do we get to the bottom of the canyon?
Guide: *gesturing to donkey* Burro
Me: *starts digging* Come and help you stupid donkey
Cake: I want a girl who gets up early. I want a girl who stays up late.
Me: She is going to be exhausted.
ME: (to my heist crew) let’s ditch our getaway car in this pond
(puts rock on gas pedal, car revs into pond, disappears underwater)
ME: ok now….wait what’s that splashing
(Car emerges from the water on the far shore and just keeps going)
NARRATOR: The all new Chevy Malibu
Played twister with my kids and now hold the world record for saying, “That’s not your left foot” a billion times.
[on a speed date]
(okay don’t let her know you’re a zombie)
“so, what do you like best in a woman?”
BRAAAIIINNNSS
Bird: Good morning! How are you?
Me: Oh my God! You can talk!
Bird *tapping his Bluetooth ear piece*: I missed what you said, some jackass is shouting at me.
I’ve been buying men’s hoodies for years for myself. It’s all about skipping the middle man.
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery,
but there will be signs…
I want my morning coffee to give the same amount of energy that my kids get when they hear me say it’s bedtime.
Felony Insurance, like car insurance but for when you hate someone so much you just have to throw a cinder block through their windshield.
My husband pissed me off so I bought another half-dozen throw pillows for our bed.
Why was Bezos rocket named Blue Origin and not Shuttlecock?
Guy threw a banana peel out the window into my lane 2day. Yrs of practice paid off and I arrived to work safely. Thank you Mario Kart.
Just a reminder that a Cheesecake Factory menu counts as summer reading for your kids.
the worst part of the robot uprising will be the constant software updates
Still cleaning up glitter from my 5yo’s school project.
She turns 15 on Sunday.
I love when you stroke my ego.
My ego is inside my panties.
friend: i want a bf
me: i want to hold the reins of 2 equally powerful, beautiful horses who run w/perfectly matched paces & also respect me
To the person who stole my place in the queue.
I’m after you now.
Accidentally mixed up Sudoku and Sepukku again. Long story short it’s a good thing I was already in a doctor’s waiting room