DOG: [running in circles trying to catch his own tail] SON OF A
DOG’S PREGNANT WIFE: *looks up from knitting* Son of a what, David? Say it
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Y’all tweet like you don’t know it only takes 2 doctors to commit you.
Fun Fact:
A burrito will never sleep with your best friend behind your back.
To provide better customer service, we’ve put a chat bot on our site to make sure you’re hung in an infinite loop without solving the problem, buried our phone number, & staffed our phone lines with people who follow a notebook flow chart before dropping your call
–companies
WIFE: Use the newspaper to get that bee down
ME: Ok *grabs newspaper and reads the news out loud*
BEE *depressed* holy shit
Is this a threat?
To ensure that my wife will truly miss me when I go on trips, right before I leave I put a few spiders in the bedroom.
“Hello welcome to meteorologist school. Please stick your head out of the nearest window and pick your diploma up on your way out.”
dogs after you inspect what they have and decide to let them keep it:
Kindergartners almost have the best gossip, like my son told me that one of his friends brought EIGHT Oreos for a snack at school but he couldn’t remember the kid’s name
ME: Would you ever get a tattoo?
DAD: I don’t even highlight in books
Why do they have to make things childproof when I’m still functioning at a kindergarten level of dexterity
Hugs not drugs. Except, yes drugs and why are you touching me?
Just found out that “3 Men and a Baby” isn’t a movie about Jesus’s birth.
It’s easy to watch movies on this plane! Just download our app, set your phone to airplane mode, turn on your wifi, select our wifi, go to our website, enter in the special key, add a photo of your driver’s license, enter your social security number twice, give us your first born.
“Can you get my water, Mom?”
— My child, still in possession of the perfectly healthy legs I spent 9 months growing for him.
I should have grown him some Go Go Gadget arms.
[date]
HER: So what’s your spirit animal?
ME: Roosters.
HER: Lol, why?
ME: *leans in close* I also start my day screaming.
“I hate when I can’t think of the right word,” she protesticulated.
OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY
BOSS: I don’t know you. Do you work here?
ME: *sips wine* No.
HIM: So your wife does?
ME: *sips his wine* Again no.
Covid eyebrows: I pet them, comb them and sometimes ask my daughter to braid them…
If we discovered ghosts tasted delicious it would change the entire dynamic of haunting forever.
Actual warning I saw in a pamphlet:
“You may be at risk for throat cancer if you have a throat or mouth.”
Oh shit….
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Absolutely not. Trust me, I’ve looked.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because my tires look like donuts?
Cop: Get out
You know, if you murder enough people you get your own Wikipedia page.
I asked my 3-year-old what kind of cake she wanted for her birthday and she said “two cakes” which is the correct answer.
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid**checks for abs, finds a clown
I’m just a Whole Foods girl on a Walmart budget.
This Viagra show looks cool but they keep cutting away to football
Ever look at someone and think you could spend the rest of your life saying. “What?” to this person?
The worst thing about coming home from a trip isn’t unpacking, it’s the looming threat of nuclear war