Travis Kelce is living the dream of every unknown comedian rn. Having hordes of people share your old tweets and being like, “this guy is hilarious”
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FRIENDLY REMINDER: Frankenberry is not the cereal. He’s the guy who CREATED the cereal. The cereal is his monster.
If your name is Ella and you haven’t opened a seafood restaurant called Salmonella’s, what are you doing with your life?
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
I saw a guy pushing a stroller with a kayak balanced on top, like he had traded the baby for it. And clearly he hadn’t planned this. He didn’t have the car with him, so it must have been a spur of the moment baby trade. Some amazing kayak salesman was willing to make a deal.
I just did a zoom book talk with 100+ ppl and my mother came on and wrote this in the comments:
Welcome to Earth, where we hate each other and put ketchup on everything.
Drunk octopus wants to fight. He will rip your coat off your back.
At least the self-checkout doesn’t ask me what I’m making for dinner with these items or when I’m going to call my mother.
My OnlyFans is just me loading the dishwasher correctly.
It’s when I saw the children playing with their toys completely wrong that I knew I had to step in
Canadians are so nice and polite bc they made a pact with Satan to have all their hate stored in the geese
I just know they’re trying to reach him about an extended warranty.
I just want someone to tell me how strong I am after I open a difficult container
Whatever, Usain Bolt. I’ve been finishing in under 10 seconds for years.
ME: long time no see! I heard you’re a doctor
FRIEND: I am. what do you do now?
ME: [glances down at open twitter app] I’m a writer
I fit into my fat clothes again thank god I didn’t throw them away
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Guy in a Vulcan costume: [loudly, smugly] I wonder if anyone will recognize MY costume
i could never be president. im overqualified.
am i anxious? yes. but is that going to stop me from doing things i love? also yes
I don’t want your undivided attention. I want your multiplied attention. Make clones of yourself and give me all of their attention too.
What do you mean there’s no cash prize for being the first guy in the neighborhood to shovel his driveway?
Can’t. Too busy being force-fed teething crackers by my 1yo daughter.
On vacation, I ask the concierge to stand outside the shower and ask me random questions so I can feel right at home.
An elderly Lady apologized for blocking the aisle at the store. I said “don’t even worry about it,” to which she replied, “oh yeah, cause I was reeeeeally worried about it.”
Guys, I think I just saw future me.
“You gotta try the lobs-”
– I’ll should tell you…
“Yes?”
– We’re not having sex.
“OK.”
– What were you saying?
“The chicken here’s great.”
After 10 years of appointments, I know about everything about my dental hygienist, the only thing she knows about me is “hyugh.”
Me: So tired. So weak. Is this the coronavirus?
My body: The only vegetable you’ve had in weeks was on a pizza.
Me: Why me? I’m so young, so new to this earth
Body: You slept 20 total hours last week.
Me: Oh mortality, so cruel, so dark.
Body: Maybe drink water? Just once
dentist: so, are you flossing?
me: are you using a unique password for every account?
I just ate an oatmeal raisin cookie so my kid didn’t have to.
He will be reminded of this sacrifice for many decades.
Treat her right or Pete Davidson will.