*attaches note to pigeon
*stuffs pigeon into envelope
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According to most health insurance companies, teeth are luxury bones that I must pay more to continue enjoying
(at the pearly gates)
St. Peter: Say “worchestershire”
Me: Oh God I knew it
If your Facebook picture is a photo of a sunset or something inanimate, I’ll assume you have a dissociative identity disorder.
The most embarrassing thing on my phone is my calculator history
I wanted to lose 10 pounds this year. Only 13 to go.
Me: ok that’s everything in the dishwasher
*presses start and turns around*
Teaspoon: you’re not gonna believe this
Imagine Dragons.
No. Dragoner.
Nobody said you have to like your colleagues.
But apparently there are some explicit rules about poisoning them.
Hubs: * Hands me a broom* Make yourself useful
Me: Flies away
“Let me be clear” the sliding glass door said as I face planted it.
When you get to jail, challenge the biggest, baddest guy in there to rock, paper, scissors in front of all his friends
me: sometimes I don’t do dishes for so long I’m completely out of silverware, so when I finally do them I have no reference fork and can’t remember where they go. Despite going in the same place for 5 years.
guy just trying to mug me: did you say “reference fork”?
for dessert we’re having a discussion about why my girlfriend didn’t laugh at a joke i made 3 years ago
In my experience, the quickest way to escape Jury Duty? As they read out the charges, yell out, “Oh c’mon…even I’ve done THAT!”
The children seemed disappointed when I told them the best part about being an adult is going to bed early.
I gotta take better care of myself. Today at the park a guy asked me if I would pretend to be his son from the future to scare him into eating right.
You deserve someone who’ll chase you with a chainsaw.
I’ve never done a tweet call. But today is my 33rd birthday and I hit 600 followers yesterday after being on this website for 9 years. But I actually enjoy Twitter these days and would love nothing more for my birthday than your funniest tweets. No theme. Just funny. Cheers!
There’s an old sheet of paper in the Batcave with “Carrier pigeons” “Carrier bats (??)” “Morse code” crossed out, and “Searchlight” circled.
I used to be able to throw a serious look in a selfie and come off like a sexy smolder and now I look like I’m patiently waiting to speak to your manager.
[Courtroom]
Judge: One more word & I’ll hold you in contempt!
Me: Yes! *jumps on his lap & throws arms around him* This is nice.
Every once in a while I’ll be driving while not eating and think, “Wow, this is way easier.”
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, & open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
I’m gonna take this shit to another level!
*pushes elevator button*
The stages of giving my dog a new stuffy:
1) oh my god for me?!
2) this is the best day ever
3) this house is full of thieves trust no one
A little too much information.
Mom Math:
If Child A has 2 scoops of ice cream in his bowl, and child B has 1 3/4 scoops, how many days will Mom have to hear about it?
I hear all these Trump supporters saying they support him because he speaks his mind. Well you know who else speaks his mind? My 4 year old.
If the marriage counselor asks how long since you’ve had sex, she means with your spouse. Learn from my mistakes.
My 4yo saw a squirrel eating an apple and asked if he could eat an apple. So now I’m feeding the squirrel organic carrots and broccoli.