God: remember when I went to the bathroom and left you alone in my office?
Lion: yes.
God: did you uh do anything while I was gone?
Lion: no why?
[Mountain Lion, Sea Lion and Lionfish peek around the corner]
God: I guess I’ll delete them then.
Lion: ThEY aRe My cHiLdREn!
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Noah, surrounded by a million pieces & trying to make sense of his IKEA Arke pictogram instructions, feels the first drop of rain.
Shit.
me: hey there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: I know what they’re for
With children it’s important to be specific. For example, I told my 5-year-old to sneeze into an elbow. He sneezed into an elbow. My elbow.
I don’t know how to break it to the new dog, but ours is not a parkour house.
video games are rated M for mature if they contain scenes of someone buying reading glasses or complaining about not getting enough fiber
I hate when I read something so offensive on Twitter that my monocle falls out of my eye and into my brandy snifter.
Even Benjamin Button would feel old by the time 2020 finally ends.
Who the hell is responsible for the abbreviation of “pounds?”
Teach a man to shake and he will be able to greet everyone. Give a man a shake and all the boys will come to his yard
ME: 3 Big Macs please. lol it’s my cheat day
CLERK: you ordered the same thing yesterday
ME:[leans in] why don’t u mind your own gd business
Why is it called an exorcist’s holy water and not disinfecthaunt?
…and send
Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.
If you glue a dead wasp to your palm, you can smack your boss on the back of the head as hard as you want and act like you saved him.
Jumping or hopping seem to be the only way people are able to get in the shower.
*captain over the PA*:
and if you look out your window to the left, you’ll see Jerry, who is no longer my best friend, and deserves this.
I wanted to tweet something but I think too many people would think I was 100% serious when I’m only like 87% serious.
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Such a sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* Endorphins
Me: No, just whales
Listen up, guys
Neil Diamond is the name of a famous American singer-songwriter but it’s also a checklist for anyone about to propose
where there’s a-weem there’s a-weh
[office]
DAVE: We’re having a baby
SUE: Congratulations!
ME: [suspicious that Dave is a seahorse] Looking forward to the birth, Dave?
“You have nice eyes”
– boring
– unoriginal
– she’s probably heard it a million times“Jeepers, creepers, where’d ya get those peepers?”
– musical
– invites a dialogue
– reminiscent of a better time, before World War II
– could yield info on where to acquire good peepers
my biggest flaw is saying “don’t worry i’m gucci” when in fact i am t.j maxx
“This soup is fantastic, I’ll have another please.”
Bartender: “Ma’am, that’s a martini”
I stole one of those Krispy Kreme “HOT NOW” signs and hung it over our bed because good communication is important in a marriage.
Me: [Hanging one-handed from a cliff, seconds away from death]
My kid: Can you hold this?
I was sitting there getting my hair cut, when a spider ran across the floor.
And that’s how you accidentally get bangs.
Me: why doesn’t anyone talk to me at work?! 😩
Coworker: …
Me: <takes earbuds out> I’m sorry, what?
Not now mom I’m downloading a new virus from Limewire
*seductively moistens your lips with the meatloaf
My son is at that age where he’s curious about the human body.
I’ll have to hide it somewhere else now.