People don’t frolic enough anymore.
FROLIC YOU PIECES OF SHIT
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I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
If sex was my religion, I’d be an athiest.
Neighbour said, “Stop using our hot tub while we’re not home!” So I only use it at night while they’re sleeping.
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest accomplishment?”
Me: “I was in a lot of people’s MySpace Top 8s back in 2004.”
Until I open the wrapper & look inside it’s Schrödinger’s Kit Kat.
Me: *singing* They say music is the food of love
Her: I’m not hungry
[helps little old lady across street]
ME: so can I be in your will?
I put “the rap” in therapy.
Yo, yo.
Emotional baggage, bitter like cabbage. Rollin up the green like a Hulked out savage. Burger, Inc.
To clean them like a pro without leaving any traces, you’ll have to wash your hands like a politician
me: remember how i was talking about getting a xylophone
[doctor holds up my x-ray] where the hell are your ribs?
me: im trying to tell you
“So hell isn’t too bad,” I say from the podium. “I just keep teaching?”
“Actually…” said a demon
“Actually…” said another
“ACTUALLY…”
Make bowling your first date. If he rents small shoes and jams his fingers in the wrong holes don’t bother with a second.
Me: Screw you, Tuesday!
Tuesday: I have a boyfriend.
Ah, spring is here. Time to open the windows and remind my neighbors that I know every word to the “Grease” soundtrack.
How amazing is it that nobody in the same Kingdom as Cinderella , had the same sized feet as her ?
She should play the lottery too !
[first day as a detective]
ME: omg nothing but his skeleton is left!
OTHER DETECTIVE: this is a halloween store. the dead guy’s over there
If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the trumpet.
*painting your nails* one hand : perfect. other hand : looks like a blind cat did it.
(runs into somebody at the grocery store I haven’t seen in awhile)
Them: oh my god hey what are you up to?
Me: … I’m grocery shopping. What does it look like?
studying the Sphinx using Pharoahdynamics
Types of Amazon reviews:
9,700 people: 5/5 stars. great toaster for the price!
283 people: 3/5 stars. decent toaster but can get stuck
5 people: 1/5 stars. awful quality, I ran it over with my truck and it broke
1 person: 0/5 stars. useless, I was trying to buy a blender
Recipes in your 40s should be like, the first thing you’re going to want to do with the frozen bag of peas is ice your knees.
If you tell me my life would be SO much easier if I’d organize everything, I swear I will stab you with a fork. As soon as I find my fork.
Jesus: one of you will betray me
Judas: *surprised pikachu face*
My elderly uncle was proudly showing off his new “Screechers”, and my dudes, this is what I will call Skechers from now on
what idiot called it the sun instead of a space heater?
me: man technology is scary af
black mirror: here are some more scary technological things you haven’t even thought of yet
Hotel room bathrooms really overestimate how much I want to see my own naked body.
Them: Welcome to the anti-giraffe club! We hate them. No talking about them. No impersonations. Any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Them: Get out.
[proudly displaying macaroni art on my refrigerator]
“No, I don’t have any children. Why do you ask?”