Waiting on this storm is like waiting on your mom to get home when you’re in trouble.
You know she’s pissed, you just don’t know HOW pissed
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I’ve been interrogating this dog for hours and he still won’t tell me who’s a good boy.
… I now pronounce you husband and wife! You may now eat the onion ring
Someone on Facebook added me to my high school reunion page and wants volunteers to help with it. I said I’d love to, but I have a pillow that I need to suffocate myself with instead.
wtf? Somehow in the past 9 months, someone has snuck in & shrunk my winter clothes
I’m just a girl
standing in front of a pizza
asking it to not have carbs.
I’m watching my 4 year old son give my 1 year old a hammer. He is so irresponsible.
The best way to move on after a breakup is to be open to trying new things. Today I’m throwing rocks at joggers.
If anyone needs to make a fake snowy winter wonderland, for a nominal fee I can come and exfoliate on your front lawn.
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
dentist: have you been flossing
me: have you?
dentist: [to assistant] can he do that
As the mother of two kids under 5, I’m always playing a game I call “Is this normal, or is my child a sociopath?”
Me: I’ll drink to that!
Person who brought me to church: [whispers] We usually just say “Amen.”
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
I’ve bought tickets to all One Directions upcoming gigs.They’re not my cup of tea but the tickets say The Doors open at 7:15 and i love them
Religion: because reading one book is a lot easier than a whole bunch of hard ones.
My kid put the toilet paper facing the wrong way so she’s homeless now.
But I meant it as a compliment when I said your baby looks like a pug.
I like to think that all my unfollowers have violated their parole and been sent back to the big house. Just kidding, I hope they’re dead.
Oh boy, $150,000!
Unsolved mysteries is my wife and I trying to figure out how we no longer have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we wore them.
Telling my Gen Z coworker that I have email addresses older than her was not the flex I thought it would be
Someone called me an attention seeking whore today. I think.
I had trouble hearing as I was waving my thong in the air during rush hour.
My kids are gonna give me a god damn heart attack
God: [returning from year-long sabbatical] So, how’s 2016 been? Did you cope OK?
Intern who was left in charge: [looks awkward] Yep. Fine.
Scissors Commercial:
*Montage of people karate chopping paper in half*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better… Nevermind that was rad
When you finally get the courage to get on the scale after avoiding it for a while it’s called “bweighvery.”
“Im sorry, I’m just really uncomfortable around children,” she said.
“I understand that,” replied the obstetrician, “but I still need you to push.”
me: make me irresistible to women
genie: *turns me into a puppy* careful what you wish for haha
me: *raises hind leg over lamp*
genie: wait no stop
Saw a guy with flames tattooed all over his face. I hope someday he finds a girl who has marshmallows tattooed all over hers.
Pronounces it worst shit sure sauce.