me: will I ever have sex again?
doctor: not with that haircut
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My good tweets are in my other pants.
I don’t wanna get too political here, but I plan on voting for whichever candidate will do something about Meghan Trainor.
Tall girls might get modeling contracts but I can still ask for the high school student discount.
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
me, making small talk: so. i see you also have a face.
Let’s move on now. if I had a pound for every time I heard a Brexit joke this week I’d nearly have a Euro.
My wife’s biggest fear isn’t that we’ll die from Coronavirus, it’s that we’ll die from Coronavirus and the kids will go through our stuff and find out that mom and dad were into some really freaky shit.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
you can talk about any topic for 30 mins if you’re a confident liar
Where’s the lie? 🤣🤣
If you excel at something, people love it until they don’t. But you won’t know when that will be until after you take out a mortgage.
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
Objects in motion tend to resent objects on the couch not in motion.
sometimes I go to the gym spend the whole time stretching then leave…this is cat day
After spending the last week stealing cars and killing people I just found out GTA had missions.
We need more names like Benedict Cumberbatch:
Omelet Easydozen
Florentine Pepperbatter
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: Have you considered just letting a homeless man sleep on your couch, instead?
No. I wasn’t being sarcastic.
I was being a giraffe.
*Gets arrested for making prank phone calls
[At Police Station]
“You can make one phone call”
*Dials random #
“Is your fridge running?”
I think the most fucked up thing about the Catholic Church is that they force Bishops to only move in diagonals
Normalize hissing at people who stand too close to you in the checkout line.
Instructions in the Men’s Room for hand washing. Because non-hand washers can’t be bothered unless there’s an opportunity to learn stuff.
I used to think LOL meant lots of love.
Oh! You’re Aunt died? So sorry. LOL!Took me years to rebuild friendships.
Oh.
You have a boyfriendBut…
can he do this…( flexes flab )
I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe.
It didn’t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.
[watching Tangled with my Daughter]
Daughter: dada
Me: yes?
Daughter: do you think Rapunzel buys her shampoo at Costco?
Me: I mean-I do now.
*pats belly*
Stranger: Awww do you know what it is?
Me: Yes. Nachos.
I’m just a MAN standing in front of a DOOR because I thought it was AUTOMATIC
Husband: where you off to?
Me: bathroom
Husband: you have to pee again?
Me: no, I gotta cough