Kids be like “That is the funniest thing I’ve ever heard” and it’s just the word duty.
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Went to get coffee for a coworker.
I effed up the order, but used it as a teaching opportunity to illustrate the dangers of outsourcing.
There’s a class war brewing on the farm. It’s the hooves and the hoof nots.
Him: “You’re not like other girls”
My anxiety and insecurity: “Told ya”
“Last Christmas” is a strange song. It’s been 12 months and we’re just now addressing this situation?
We’re doing a “show your pets on zoom” thing for our work meeting. Taking my laptop under my bed so the writhing knot of silverfish can say hi.
[walks into aquarium]
me: hi can I just use your bathroom?
employee: sorry it’s for patrons only
me: ok fine I’ll take four sharks
Me: A man’s bouncy house is his bouncy castle
Wife: I don’t care which one you call it, just let the kids play in it even if it is on “your side”
[animal meeting at the zoo]
Lion: you’re late. We said meet at sunset
Giraffe: I can still see the sun you fucken midget
My boss said I couldn’t bring my dog into the office so I had to tie him to a tree outside. He’s not happy about it but it’s cool being in the office with my dog.
Searched my teens room for drugs, was told “you don’t give me enough money for drugs.” I don’t know whether to be proud or up his allowance.
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
shout out to those who still allow me in their rooms
We like knowing who the fastest person on earth is.
We don’t know why, or how this information will be useful, but we like to know it all the same.
[therapy]
ME: *in tears* So anyway, that’s why I think she left me
PERSON ON ELEVATOR: Please, I have a family
When a man gets married he has a moral obligation to scare his wife when he sneezes.
Let’s normalize throwing bouquets at funerals to see whose next.
Terrifying if literal: Liquid Plumber
[undercover as a mom]
Me: my little Timmy is 6 years old now
Other moms: *narrow eyes*
Me: *sweating* i meant uh, 72 months
“How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?”🤔
Welcome to your late 40s. You now have car glasses, office glasses, living room glasses, and bedroom glasses.
You say lasagna. I say spaghetti cake. Because my 3 year old won’t eat lasagna.
“SELF CARE!” I scream as my trench coat full of monkeys scurries toward everyone’s wallets and watches.
The water pressure of the hotel shower would best be described as paintball fight.
self-esteem’s so bad my fantasies are hurting my feelings
Therapist: where do you think your fear of chickens came from?
me: well, I am not certain but
Sometimes, when I need a really good night’s sleep, I call my burrito guy to come over and tuck me in
Daughter: Anyone there?
Ouija Board: S P O T
Daughter: But Spot went to live at the farm
Ouija Board: N O
ME: *tips over whole table with ouija board* go clean your room
CORONAVIRUS: I can’t believe these humans aren’t taking me seriously just because they’re not in imminent personal danger right this second
CLIMATE CHANGE, SMOKING AN ABSOLUTELY ENORMOUS BLUNT:
MAN: What are you doing?
ME: [pointing gun at lake] Fishing
MAN: No way will-
SALMON: [walks out of lake with fins up]