If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 muscles to frown, then how can I tell if this girl is flirting with me and not just being lazy?
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REPORT: Box You Set Down for a Second to Become Permanent Decor:
You probably need to be having sex prior to claiming you have a safe word.
When your great-grandchildren call you racist for thinking all monkeys look the same.
Colossal ancient god: YOUR SACRIFICE?
Me: *frantically googling “gift ideas”*
Movies are so unrealistic. This guy’s using his computer to access an alien ship & not once has it asked if he wants to upgrade his Adobe.
I just accidentally uploaded this instead of my invoice on a company’s invoicing portal and I can’t delete it
When I randomly walk into a room in my home and find my kids playing quietly together I slowly and silently back out like I’ve stumbled into a den of hungry velociraptors who by some miracle haven’t noticed me yet.
I’m thinking about getting a mirror over my bed so I can watch myself while I’m eating cereal.
Twitter takes me places I’ve never been before. Take oncoming traffic for example.
A big part of my wife’s cardio routine is rolling away from me in bed.
Went out of town for the weekend and I’m so happy to be home so I can have insomnia in my own bed
The worst part about re-watching Home Alone is you just know Kevin’s parents bought this house for like $250K.
Sure stepping on a Lego is painful, but have you ever twisted your ankle tripping over a cold and shamed Natalie Imbruglia lying naked on the floor?
I knife through the icy water like a shark. The spectators gasp in awe. Mall security struggles to drag me fully-clothed from the fountain.
Him: You’re on a diet. Why buy all this candy?
Me: Because the alternative is called stealing.
My followers are dropping like flies it must be that new perfume I bought.
Select elevator floors without using your hands, guys. Chicks dig it.
What is the best nickname for a nun in heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer was “Nun of the Above”.
Ghost: never eats, never sleeps, moans a lot
Vampire: sucks the life out of u
Werewolf: human w/ fits of howling
Child: all of the above
Croc store. Rooster walks in.
Salesman: How may I help you?
Rooster: A Croc or two will do.
Goth karate is easy because you already start off with a black belt.
LASAGNA IS ONE OF THE WORST SPELLED WORDS THAT SHIT IS ABSOLUTELY PREPOSTEROUS, SHOULD BE LASONYA BUT UR ALL SCARED TO TALK ABOUT IT, SCARED OF WHAT COULD HAPPEN
*gets catfished*
*is too polite to say anything*
*marries catfish*
Everything I know about dancing I learned from the Charlie Brown Christmas party
You could date someone willing to catch a grenade for you I guess that’s cool but how about someone who always carries a tennis racket, wouldn’t that be a bit smarter?
He died doing what he loved.
He didn’t know she was married.
You can confuse and ultimately disappoint a lot of people if your trick or treating costume is “pizza delivery man”
Timothy Chalamet as Willy Wonka is interesting. On one hand he looks like he’s never actually had chocolate before and on the other he does look like he would enjoy killing children in creative ways while wearing a goofy outfit.
this is your fault for setting him up with Medusa
Wife: *looking through my yearbook* you have the exact same haircut
Me: well I use a bigger bowl now