About 68% of Americans believe the government is conspiring to hide information about extraterrestrials.
That number would be higher, but alien pods already have transformed 32% of the U.S. population into replicas of their former selves.
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My 6yo proudly made her own breakfast this morning: “a pile of ham”
Her: OMG you’re alive!!! I heard you bought the farm!
ME: No no, I bought “a” farm.
HER: but I told everyone you’re dead!
ME: That’s fine
You know you’re tired when you kneel on the ground pick something up and then have to decide if it’s easier to get up or just live there now
If you watch Benjamin Buttons backwards it’s very confusing bc you can’t understand what people are saying
I never feel like a bigger failure than when my dog re-scratches something I just scratched for her.
Me: You’re sooo cute!! Come over here and give me a hu—
4 (*leaving the room*): Pause my show.
building forts as fast as I can but I’m running out of pillows
Watching this Dahmer show on Netflix this guy doesn’t seem too bad I mean he’s just oh wait yep ok there it is wow my god Jeffrey
[1863]
LINCOLN: Here’s what I have so far…”Eighty seven years ago our f—
MARY TODD: Wait, wait…Why don’t you use some whacky weird numbers
Cryptocurrency sounds like an entrance fee to a mausoleum.
I always took the phrase “God moves in mysterious ways” to mean that he walks like a crab.
Incredible news from my son’s school as he informs me he knows a 5 year old named Alan.
The key to being a good conversationalist is giving a great conversationalist room to talk
imagine being a rooster and just completely losing your shit over the sun rising.
first my neighbor was okay with my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
Gingerbread man: i’m just not cut out for this
Therapist: actually you absolutely are
got kicked out of Home Depot for trying to ride the forklift into the bathroom again
Friend 1:
I swam with the dolphins in Mexico.Friend 2:
I swam with a sea lion in Jamaica.Me:
I swam with a fat guy in Reno.
I just watched an ad for a stain remover in which they cleaned a pool of blood off a sofa and it seemed perfectly normal.
One big plot hole in X-Men is that Wolverine is over 100 yrs old but there’s never been a point in history when that was a hairstyle.
dumbshit neighbor: is that your dog running around your backyard?
me: no, that’s a fence
i told the bus driver he was hot when i got off the bus because life’s short but now he’s my driver on the way back too so turns out life is long
What made this morning’s trip to the bathroom interesting is that I don’t actually own a cat.
Thousands of people are attacked by sea creatures every year. We at BP are dedicated to bringing that number down. You’re welcome!
Jesus: my child, when there was only one set of footprints, Fred Flintstone was driving.
Went to Target to buy a ball for Scrappy and walked out with a cart full toys for him and Julio, now they’re fighting over the boxes.
Me: *Living in the US for 18 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
You can put a human being on the moon but you can’t make a button I can secretly hit on my phone to make it ring & get me out of small talk? *glare* PRIORITIES, People. Make it happen.
My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.
My kids told me I have rizz and I feel flattered. Or insulted? Or confused. Definitely confused.