Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
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If I run my fingers through your hair, I’m not being romantic… I’m probably just trying to get chicken wing grease off my hands
*trips over an ice cube dropped on the floor*
Me: This is JUST like the Titanic!!
My boss asked me if I had a minute like he doesn’t know how busy I am here.
today i imagined a fleetwood mac cover band called meatwood flack and then made my brain apologize
When I wished for simpler times, I didn’t mean people’s IQs
Yes, I would take a bullet for you.
We’re still talking about shoplifting at the ammo store right?
*goes swimming in Australia*
*is attacked by sharks*
*crawls gasping onto deserted beach*
*thanks god*
*is promptly eaten by crocodiles*
whenever i see sombody obsessively taking photos of the sunset, i go up to them & whisper “dont worry.. the sun is gonna come back tomorow”
It finally happened: someone asked me where the library was in Spanish. I’ve been training for this since high school.
Cop: license and registration please.
Me: (gives cop both)
Cop: you drinking tonight?
Me: no.
Cop: you handed me 2 empty beer cans.
At the beginning of a long plane ride, I like to ask my husband why he loves me. His frantic look for an escape hatch entertains me.
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
waiter: would u like the bill?
me: no I would not
I don’t mean to brag but I’m a lot more trouble than I’m worth.
you can tell the new mad max movie takes place in a lawless post apocalyptic hellscape because not one person used their blinker
Are you okay?
Yes
Did you take your cold medicine?
Umm yes
Why are you so nervous?
I never thought throw pillows would ask so many questions
Getting murdered would be scary, but not as scary as if the forensic guy with the white chalk would trace my body fatter than I really was
My son couldn’t remember his head injury from the other day. That’s either a very good sign or a very bad sign.
She said she wanted the D so I showed her our son’s report card.
Damn, girl. Are you King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table?
Cause I just Camelot.
I want to be rich enough to tell the Chipotle cashier, “Guacamole is NO OBJECT!”
I’m so hungry I’d eat a vegan.
Give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day.
Teach a man to fish, he’ll contribute to the global overdepletion of the ocean.
So give him a salad, maybe.
Just killed a giant fucking spider with my wife’s bare hand.
Meanwhile at the Maternity Ward…
I argue with myself in public so no one talks to me.
why is it spelled “camouflage” and
not .
The hubby, son and I are all working from home today, this is my goodbye tweet.
[wife holding credit card statement and yellin down the basement] what’s auto tune?
[me sounding perfect] c’mere baby