Coffee helps me remember….
Everybody’s name
My passwords
Sense of humour
Woods ❌
I mean wordsI never said it was easy.
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A little wine does the body good, a lot of wine does the body better!
[On WebMD]
I have a sore throat
[Throat cancer]
I wasn’t done, and a stomach ache.
[Cancer]
Couldn’t it be the flu?
[If it wasn’t cancer]
Trying to convince my wife I said “adieu,” instead of “I do,” at our wedding, but she’s not buying it.
My 3yo said ‘mummy’ 6,358 times today and I can’t find the page in the parenting book that tells you what to do when they malfunction
My dad said it’s important to carry a compass when I go hiking, in case I ever get lost. I have no idea how drawing perfect circles will help, but I’m not one to question authority.
A child is like a CD. You enjoy it for a while and then forget it in the car.
me: [puts a snorkel and flippers on my horse]
water polo ref: still no
Before college I didn’t have a degree, or money, or any idea what I was doing with my life. But NOW I have a degree.
[at the opera]
Me: what’s wrong with that guy
Wife: shh!
Me: but he’s tiny, he can barely hold that violin
Wife [whispers]: that’s a cello
If you’re trying to kidnap me, just wave a bag of cookies and throw it in a windowless van. I will happily and hungrily follow.
Q: Why isn’t the moon hairy?
A: Because it waxes every month.
Them: I know you’re shy but I can’t carry the conversation forever.
Me: Oh I’m not shy. I am just hoping you will give up soon.
Prevent future fights among your children by not owning any nice things.
My stove is the most expensive cigarette lighter I’ve ever purchased.
me: help! that guy stole my identity!
also me: no i didn’t
He’s dead
4-year-old from next door got a whistle for his birthday and I got 1 phone call.
Best things to pull:
9 Rank
8 Strings
7 The plug
6 The trigger
5 Your leg
4 Your head out
3 A fast one
2 Yourself together
1 My finger
The phrase “don’t take this the wrong way” has zero % success rate
When someone walks into a room, I like to tap the person next to me and in a loud stage whisper say “Is that who you were telling me about?”
Me: hi. I’m maddie. I’m ready to overeat, anonymously
Overeaters Anonymous leader: you’ve misunderstood
My wife carved ‘I’M FINE’ into a pumpkin especially for me
So she’s obviously cool with me watching football all day and breathing an stuff
My kid spends so much time at the nurse’s office she now has a medical degree.
bank robber: EVERYONE FREEZE!
[everyone freezes]
bank robber: [recording everyone] nice! this’ll be the best mannequin challenge yet
Me: I just played the “poop in a bag” trick on our neighbor
Wife: Haha! Where’d you find the dog poop?
Me: …dog?
me and my coworkers logging into all of our meetings remotely for the next couple of weeks
*waits for a sign*
*dead bird falls from sky*
*waits for another, better sign*
Me neighbor and I just exchanged nods acknowledging we’re both wearing the same outfit as yesterday.
ME: I like a girl with a bit of ink
OCTOPUS: Oh hey