Went to a bar. Ordered a drink. Waiter served it without ice. So I called him again & asked for it.
I kept sipping my drink while waiting for ice. By the time the waiter came with ice, I had finished my drink.
Moral of the story:
Just ice delayed is just ice denied.
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Wonka: No, I’ll just invite 5 random kids and murder 4.
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Sorry. Not sorry
*drops pizza slice on the floor
Hey can I get another slice?
*eats slice that fell on the floor then eats new slice
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Feyoncé…
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Cop: “Shit! Sorry… I have some bad news…”
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Bible scholar: it’s a mistranslation
[Flashback]
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Tip for drowning your enemies:
Paint pictures of people yawning on the bottom of their swimming pool.
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[crowd goes nuts]
ME (standing in the middle, normal voice): Ok I guess. Kinda tired.
when it’s summer but your favorite holiday is halloween
My jeans aren’t too small, they’re my compression pants.
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Therapist: She isn’t going to live forever. You should call and tell her.
Me: You’re right…*dials number*
Mom, you’re going to die *hangs up*
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me: bitey boi
guide: …and over here, a swordfish
me: pointy boi
guide: get out of the aquarium
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[Boss hands me 12 pages of complaints about my smart-ass remarks]
Me: so I guess the whole “we’re going paperless” rules dont apply to you?
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Me: I wish to be healthy and fit in both body and mind
Genie: I said a wish, not a miracle
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Me: *trying to impress her* *shoves finger into electric socket*
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Me: ok *removes pants to reveal second pair of pants*
*gets ghosted*
Me: awesome, thanks for the 14-day free trial
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