I bet the only thing more stressful than defusing a bomb is letting your husband pack for a big trip.
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Me: *wakes up to pee at 4:30*
My brain: Oh good, you’re awake!
[after giving performance of a lifetime]
ME: I only wish… I only wish my dad could see me now
MUFFLED VOICE FROM BEHIND EXTREMELY TALL AUDIENCE MEMBER: I’m sure you did great son
[staff meeting]
Boss: Does anyone have any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Boss: Candy
Me: Does anyone care if I take the last blueberry muffin?
[Cops at crime scene]
Cop 1: Criminal scum. They must have taken every single toilet.
Cop 2: Wow, they really left us nothing to go on.
*reads your mind*
*decides to wait for the movie*
Beth on Facebook “Can’t believe its Monday again already”… if only there were some way for her to calculate the order in which days occur.
4-year-old: The baby woke up all on her own.
Me: You didn’t wake her up by being loud?
4: No, I was very quiet while I tickled her.
Five parrots separated at British zoo after they wouldn’t stop swearing at guests
[making out after date]
Her: Should we go back to your place?
Me: *kisses her* …I’m not ready for you to meet my parents yet
my fridge has a screen so sometimes I get bored and photoshop myself to make it look like im in there
I hated spiders even before my girlfriend left me for one.
the other one is “smunchy” which is we stopped making the smooth peanut butter early. i’m close to becoming a smooth peanut butter guy just so i can eat a finished product
Me: *talking to teen daughter*
Teen: I can’t hear you.
Me: *unplugs WiFi*
Teen: I HEARD THAT!
ME: My husband of 20 years minorly annoyed me today
TWITTER: Dump him, queen 💅✨
Me: What did you do at preschool?
3-year-old: We had to color inside the lines the WHOLE time.
Me:
3-year-old: I need to lie down.
Americans: “Beans on toast? Gross.”
Also Americans:
Who decided to call them “children”, and not ‘snot machines’.
My family is driving me more nuts than usual. If you find me wandering the streets in a daze, please don’t return me home.
Yelling out “Stranger Danger!” is a good way to say no when a cashier asks for your zip code.
CROCODILE: Your shoes are gross
ME [looks down at my green crocs] uh yeah. They’re horrible
CROCODILE: Have they got a name?
ME: what
CROCODILE: What do you call them?
ME: uh
CROCODILE: SAY IT
Now that 1 in every 3 people cheats in their relationships,I’m left wondering. . .Is it my wife or my girlfriend that’s cheating?
[weapons store]
ME: *holding up a spare pin* Has anybody seen my grenade?
BUFFALO: I was only a kid. I showed Dad my report card. He smiled, hugged me and said ‘good bison’. I never saw him agai…oh, ok I see now
{emergency evacuation}
Police:For the last time you need to leave your house now!
Me:*frantically packing my Golden Girls DVD box set* ok ok
I tried to make a batch of rum balls. But now they’re just balls and i’m drunk.
I hate to get all religious on you but can I just have a minute of your time to talk about my air fryer?
Two days after I bring my newborn daughter home from the hospital:
22 month old son: When’s she going back?
Me: Back where?
Son: To her house at the hospital.
Me: She lives with us now.
Son: Mommy, you’re not making
good choices.
Me: So my car made a noise and..
Mechanic: That’s gonna be expensive.. I can tell already.
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.