When my kids misbehave we watch ‘Honey, I Shrunk the Kids’ and then I make them stand in a giant Petri dish while I set up the machine.
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MY WIFE DIVORCED ME BECAUSE SHE DOESN’T BELIEVE MY TESLA AUTODRIVES ME TO THE GAY BAR AND THEN TURNS ITSELF OFF, CAUSING ME TO HAVE TO SPEND 4 HOURS IN THERE ASKING FOR A RIDE HOME
I haven’t watered my plants in months and they’re thriving!
-my kid not realizing what moms do
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy baseball?
ME: Okay, I’m a pitcher with gills
“How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?”🤔
Parenting Pro Tip: If a 5 year old says he needs a potty stop, or he’s going to take a dump in the minivan, he’s not making idle threats
Look, don’t call it a salad “bar” if you’re going to tell me I can’t do ranch dressing shots.
Me, in my *best* Sean Connery voice: Would you like that shaken or stirred?
My friend, horrified: Maddie, please just give me my baby back.
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted
My mother’s gravy is so lumpy it’s having a biopsy.
Just donated blood. I hope whoever gets it likes wine.
If you want to hide something from me, put it in the fridge. there are several things there celebrating birthday
“hello pretty lady.” [i slide down the bar] “what’s your name?” i say as i casually toss a peanut in my eye.
At my age I’m allowed to start my day with Captain Morgan and end my day with Captain Crunch.
[ice cream parlor]
WIFE: I’ll have two scoops of vanilla
ME: me too, u could say I want an
WIFE AND CLERK: please don’t
ME: ice cream clone
Opponent: I wish you luck
Me: Tha—
Opponent: But I also wish to suck the marrow from the bones of your defeated corpse.
Me, picks up ping pong paddle: okey dokey
I had to drop off a fecal sample for my cat and the vet gave me a form. The last question was, “Do you want your container back?”
*gets hit by a car*
Passerby: “ARE YOU OKAY?”
Me: “Please… I need my… phone”
*opens Twitter*
Me: “LMFAOOOOOOO YALL GUESS WHAT”
So it turns out ghosting doesn’t work on credit card companies.
You know you’re getting old when you’re entering your birth year online and you need to spin that thing like you’re on wheel of fortune.
It’s cute how I add this salad to my fitness app as my lunch like I didn’t pregame this sprig of kale with 4 grilled cheese sammiches, a cookie, and a chicken wing.
Mom: why do you drink so much
Me: *stares at mom*
Since the first one was such a smash hit, why didn’t they ever make a Titanic 2?
If the zombie apocalypse hits and you all need a twist tie, my mom has everyone covered.
I’m sorry you had a bad experience at our restaurant. To make it up to you, here is a coupon for more of our terrible, terrible food.
I may be unhinged now but at one point I was “a pleasure to have in class”
WAITER: how was everything
ME: [rubbing belly] so delicious. thank u
WAITER: great. please stop rubbing my belly
In high school I did a book report presentation on a book about Vanna White. I made a poster board with a puzzle underneath sheets of paper and had the class call out letters until they solved it. The puzzle was, “This presentation gets a A.” So, no, I wasn’t one of the cool kids
Indiana Jones: It belongs in a museum!
Me: *running away* Leave my sexy booty alone
I’m about to get my 5yo her own phone just so she’ll stop screwing up my YouTube algorithm
“Let’s get the most uncomfortable mattress on the planet”
– Airbnb owners, probably