Why is it always cooking on Saturday Kitchen? Why don’t they mop the floor or stick a wash on, or something?
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me: I just don’t know what you see in me
X-ray tech: twelve ice cream sandwiches. Still in their foil wrappers
I’m single in quarantine and just found a box of googly eyes. I’m going to place them on objects around the house because I miss social anxiety.
It’s been my experience that people seem a lot nicer before we get married
William Shakespeare never hugged or cuddled. Lovers called him the “No Holds Bard”.
For introverts, the worse kind of head-on collision is running directly into the person we’re avoiding at the grocery store
My son plays this game where he’s a bowling ball and the bowling pins are everything we own.
Jason Statham: I kicked the cap off a bottle once
Me: I kicked my shoe off once and it landed right next to the other one
Jason Statham: Hey we’re making another Expendables if you’re interested
“Captain, I do believe a larger vessel might be in order.”
–Jaws, dubbed for England
You don’t love me. You just love my Looney Tunes jean jacket
My daughter picked up my husbands kettleball and tried swinging it and ended up knocking a hole in the wall. She looks over at me and says, “Is that okay?”
I’m like sure, we always wanted a hole in the wall so go on with ya bad self!
3 yr old: Grandpa, did your parents name you grandpa?
Coworker: don’t you hate it when you get so busy you forget to eat?
Me: imma stop you right there
Times I’ve gone out to the garbage since she threw away a fur pillow: 2
Times I’ve leapt back thinking an animal was in the garbage: 2
Why do I have to answer security questions to pay my bills?
Ohmygod please tell me there are hackers out there trying to pay my bills….
8 yo was asked to sign a contract to agree to class rules at school. She said to the teacher, “It’s not a valid contract if I don’t have a choice.”
Listen, you should really give your mother a call. She’s concerned that “the haters” in her Zumba class are organizing and gaining power.
[voice recognition in car]
Car: “please say a command”
Me: “call Tim”
Car: “calling Sarah Marcogliese”
This looks like a job for..
*I rip open my jacket*
Jacket Repair Man!
*I sew my jacket back together*
Me: I wish my toilet was sentient
Genie: hey fun fact if you wish for a therapist I won’t count it as one of the three
[puts dog in car]
Me to wife: just gonna take her to the vet
Wife: why u whispering
[car screeches away]
Me with wife in headlock: thats why
I’m helping the sharks celebrate their big week by throwing cats into the ocean.
“I’m in international waters, your damn laws can’t touch me” I scream to the police as I dog paddle naked in my neighbors swimming pool.
Divorces should just be reverse weddings where you get pushed out of a church while your friends steal appliances from your home.
I’m such a procrastinator, I’m just now getting around to worrying about Zika Virus.
I’m not even opening the door for kids dressed as police for Halloween
when someone tells me love is in the air 😷
Me during the day: “I’ve learned not to worry about things I can’t control.”
Me at 3:42am: “What are the chances of surviving a medium-sized asteroid impact?”
I’ve lost my sense of taste! Do I have the CODIV!! Oh, wait, this is a Coors Light.
“I want frog legs.”
-Fancy restaurant order or the coolest plastic surgery request ever
“HONEY, MY TOOTHBRUSH IS MOVING!”
“Has it got ears?”
“YEAH.”
“Tail?”
“YEAH.”
“Is it the dog?”
“I THINK I KNOW THE DIFF–AH IT BIT ME AGAIN!”