This toddler in line behind me at Target is a fantastic dancer and it’s really starting to piss me off.
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I was sad to have to throw my son out of home, but it was either him or the cat.
Him: You’re on a diet. Why buy all this candy?
Me: Because the alternative is called stealing.
[hamster construction site]
“Colin, you seen Dave?”
I left him manning the concrete mixer
“Oh no”
[cut to Dave having the time of his life]
Marriage is just your spouse perpetually standing in front of the kitchen drawer or cabinet you need to open.
*seductively boils hot dog* *suggestively unscrews ketchup bottle* *alluringly toasts bun* *erotically describes this in between asterisks*
At my funeral, take the bouquet and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
Women on Twitter who boast about the crumbs they catch in their bras have no idea how much food I can carry around in my turban.
My french toast just surrendered to my german sausage.
Breakfast is weird at my house.
I’m a mom. My hobbies include buying snacks and mediating fights about snacks.
me: salt rim please.
barista: what.
When I’m mad at my dog, I watch dog shows on Animal Planet and ignore him.
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance.
My 5 year old memorized my phone number and I just figured out he gives it to everyone he encounters
My husband is turning 58 tomorrow. Join me wishing him “Jesus, you’re how old?”
I could never be a serial killer. There’s far too much cleaning.
I’m not an idiot, I’m an optimist which is kinda the same but like, waaaaay worse.
I was dating this guy who took me home to his parents’ house for the weekend and his mom was learning taxidermy and I slept in a room with all her practice chickens
[2 Years into Cosmetology School]
Me:[applying perfect contours] When are we gonna start learning about space?
*I accidentally fall onto my computer and it logs me into Facebook* crap
*I try to get up but fall again and it causes me to type in my ex’s name* dangit
*I fall yet again and comment “your baby looks cross-eyed” on his album* oh shoot
Women are like iPhones, you have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like BBs, rub one ball & everything moves.
Stallone: I’m making a movie about composers. I’m playing Beethoven.
Van Damme: I’ll be Mozart.
Schwarzenegger: Stop it guys, I’m not saying it.
I’m by far not the best person but by far the worst thing I’ve ever done is accidentally touch the mailman through my house’s mail slot. I have never before heard the sort of noise he made after reaching into what he hoped was the cold embrace of a mail slot and finding a hand.
Life was once a string of awkward silences but then I got a kazoo
Give a man fish and you’ll feed him for a day…… Give a fish a man and you’re probably in the Mafia
everyone wants a sensitive girl until she cries because that cloud is beautiful
*car isn’t exactly where I thought I parked it*
Someone stole my car.
There was a fire at the Yankee Candle store. 8 killed. 19 injured. 1200 soothed.
When you played marbles, the only goal was to win more marbles. No one asked stupid questions like why’d you want more marbles.
Always…