What if the first tire-swing was left there as a warning to other tires?
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airlines should have an option where you can book distances rather than just destinations. here’s 100 bucks, take me as far as that’ll get me. just drop me in the Atlantic ocean, I’ll figure it out.
You’re more likely to die falling down a flight of stairs than from being attacked by a shark especially if I’m standing behind you.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You love me?
Cop:
Me:
Cop:
Me: Is it because I’m driving a lawnmower?
Cop: Yes.
Me: *floors it*
Damn CVS sales receipts got caught in the wind
I watched Mad Max and now I’m riding my dog around my living room using two bananas as guns
*tosses incriminating letter into the fireplace*
ME: will someone please light a fire in this fireplace
I’d love this…lol
me: [to woman next to me] blow on it for luck
craps dealer: no soup at the table
A ghost story
I used to have a friend named CLINT then one time I wrote the letters of his name too close together on his birthday card
What a rip off.
There’s no pot in this chicken-pot-pie.
I think it’s time to just let my eyebrows grow until they connect with my chin hair.
Bella always knew her human wasn’t particularly sophisticated but red wine with tilapia really was the final straw.
My house has been so messy lately, I’m making myself watch Hoarders to motivate me to clean it so I don’t end up starring in an episode.
8yo: You’re annoying me!
10yo: No, you’re annoying me!
Me: Guys, guys, guys. You’re both annoying me.
me: i’m doing well
webmd: you may want to sit down
The male mayfly, living for just 1 day, has only 12 hours to become successful enough to buy a sports car, get hair plugs, and start sleeping with his secretary.
won’t smith
What do you get when you expose a cow to radioactive waste?
A Mootation
Insane how Jesus was born on Christmas and resurrected on Easter??? Like what are the odds
[Second day in prison]
ME: *looking up from my signup sheet disappointedly* Guys you know I can’t play quidditch by myself
DON’T TELL ME THAT PLANTS MAKING THEIR OWN FOOD ISNT AMAZING. THATS LIKE YOU GOING TO TACO BELL BUT THE TACOS WERE INSIDE YOU THE WHOLE TIME
JOHN MAYER: i wanna run through the halls of my high school
ME: i do not relate
JOHN MAYER: i wanna scream at the top of my lungs
ME: [nodding] ok now we’re talking
me: orders ice cream from grubhub
driver: makes 12 stops before my house
The past three months of 2021 have flown by.
FRED: right
What kind of country do we live in when an artist like Sia won’t take advantage of the freedom to change her last name to Lateralligator?
Dear movies,
We’ll never be upset to the point of throwing expensive jewelry at the bottom of the ocean. Never.Sincerely,
Women
There is a hawk following me on my run so now I’m insecure about what I look like and what I smell like
Wouldn’t that be a cool twist if World War 3 turned out to be a U.S.-Russia thing after all? “So retro!”, you’d think as you were vaporized.