Knowing how to write in cursive almost feels like a secret language. I can pass notes to my wife that my kids have literally no chance of understanding, no matter how long they try to decode it.
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I’ve got chills. They’re doing advanced calculus and quadratic equations.
Wanna hear a construction joke?
I’m working on it.
The struggle is real in NY #Snowmageddon2015 #snowpocalypse
This salad I’m having for lunch tastes a lot like I’m having a greasy burger and onion rings for dinner.
If you can pin an animal in the petting zoo down for a three count, you get to take it home.
Watching cooking shows makes you realize how much forehead sweat is possibly in your food
God: when they’re stressed their hair will start to fall out
Angel: nice, like the unsightly body hairs they hate?
God: lol no no no, the hair on their head
Angel: [under breath] i miss satan
In some countries your Honor, a nude man painted in bronze while urinating in a public fountain would be considered art.
i just went through my sons belongings and i think he might be cheating at chess
Everyone has that one friend they’ve known for years and still have no idea what they actually do for a living but it’s too late to ask
Everyone out here workin’ on their cores and I’m just tryna get as close as possible to the drive thru window so I don’t have to stretch.
I made my kids some Simba shaped pancakes, but my 2yo wouldn’t eat Simba and she started crying. I felt like a savage telling her to eat simba, so I cut Simba’s ears off, I realized my mistake when I saw the horror in her face, and now everyone is traumatized.
I know you’re not supposed to hug the old lady giving out samples at Costco, but the sausage she gave me had cheese inside. Cheese.In.Side.
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own food choices.
PERSON WHO IS A LITTLE TOO INTO CARDS DOING A FANCY SHUFFLE: Ok lads, the game is Beggar’s Summit. A pair is worth thrice, two kings is a false dawn, no peeling, no japes, player on your left ghouls and on your first deal you have to toast.
Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I’m bored of paying for things
I keep getting questions about whether or not I’m actually running for president. The answer is yes. And on top of that, I’m holding a knife, so I’m running even faster than all the other candidates.
Geico commercials should just show pictures of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say “people like this are out there.”
I have a very dry sense of humor. So I drink moisturizer.
Directions on tooth whitener say avoid coffee, red wine and cola. If I could do that, why would I need whitener?
Him: Your body is like poetry
Me: That’s so nice!
H: A haiku
M:..
H: Little on the top, big in the middle, little on the bottom
M: Just stop
I guess I didn’t lobby hard enough to make extroduce the word of the year.
bruce banner: [getting angry]
black widow: here eat this [hands a mint]
bruce banner: what is this?
black widow: anger manageMINT.
hulk: [sighs heavily]
Wore a push up bra to work today and now I can’t see my keyboard.
Expressing laughter as “tee-hee” is only acceptable in written form.
Everybody knows that.
Please, pdf is my father. Call me pdf (1)
I tell all my ex girlfriends I just want them to be happy (happy was a golden retriever I saw get hit by a train in 1997)
Birthday sex is just having sex to celebrate your parents having sex.
[a bunch of henchmen just shit-talking the name Bruce]
(from the shadows) um Bruce is actually a really cool and good name