“Maybe she’s born with it, but most likely she botched it at home” should be my slogan when I color my own hair.
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VILLAGERS: Stop crying wolf, you stupid idiot!
BOY: Fine
{later}
BOY: Help…Wolf!
WOLF: What’s up?
BOY: I need you to kill the villagers
If you have to choose between being cool or a cucumber…
Pick cool pickle.
screaming until I turn this migraine into an us-graine 😉
Does this thing get good gas mileage?
-my husband being kidnapped
Ok I’ll come clean. When people say “asking for a friend,” they’re talking about me. I’m the friend. I have a lot of embarrassing questions.
My neighbor, when something bad happens to me: Remember, everything happens for a reason.
Me, when my neighbor’s packages are mistakenly delivered to me: [whispers] This was meant to be.
Oh, your kids sit down and eat dinner? That’s cool. Mine perform interpretive dance in the kitchen while their food gets cold.
I just swallowed my record player’s needle and nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happe
“This is the worst karaoke bar I’ve ever been in!”
– me whenever my wife sings while driving.
If you know what “A/S/L?” means, I hope your back is okay. 😭
After my ex and I broke up, I was in a really bad place (Florida)
Me: Did you do your laundry like I asked?
Child: No, there’s a huge spider near the washing machine.
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child: Can you-
Me [handing her $10]: Here’s some money for the laundromat.
Dating is a win-win. If things go well, you eat food and fall in love. If they don’t, you still eat food and that’s all that really matters.
If you dated Taylor Swift and had a bad breakup and then she *didn’t* write a song about you, I bet that would hurt even more.
10 y/o daughter walked up to me, turned and flipped her hair in my face claiming that is what she does now to finish an argument, which is cool and all except I didn’t know we were fighting.
Wife: I told you not to buy the kids a trampoline.
Me: I didn’t
[bounce]
Me: buy the kids
[bounce]
Me: a trampoline.
[bounce].
What…what happens if the crabs learn how to read???
god I wish I was the person I believed I could be when I bought all this produce
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
starting a cleaning service for people with ADHD. I won’t be doing any of the actual cleaning, I’ll just be calling you at random times to tell you I’m on my way to your house and I’ll be there in about 45 minutes
Grocery prices are so bad I could only afford “some purpose” flour.
RHCP: Red Hot Chili Peppers
my brain: Real Housewives of Chili Peppers
*feeds you Cheetos while running my fingers through your hair*
Brought twins to a corn maze & put them at 2 different points so people thought they kept passing the same row. The tricycles really sold it
How I’d get arrested…
Why are there commentators for televised sports?
We can figure out what’s going on live, but can’t while watching it on tv?
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
Detective: Don’t leave town.
Me, thinking about gas money: Ok
Me: okay, hit me
Blackjack dealer: *deals me a card*
Me: LIKE YOU MEAN IT