I shaved my legs and now my socks keep falling down.
Life is hard.
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if ever got invited to the Grammys, I’d go dressed as the girl from The Ring.
My husband said I need a scary costume for Halloween this year, so I’m dressing up as a Positive Pregnancy Test.
I’ve been eating cucumber slices instead of chips and when I close my eyes, I pretend I’m eating something more enjoyable, like broken glass or rusty nails.
when you see my three typing dots linger there for a long time just know I’m fighting an epic battle with autocorrect
(trying to indicate to my partner that i would like another beer if theyre getting up, but using only skills i learned from point and click adventure games) wow, i could really go a beer right now. maybe some beer would help in this situation. i think there’s some beer over there
You tell me to get off my high horse? Why dont you tell the damn horse to stop getting high all the time.. His drug problem isn’t my problem
Sadly, the days of people using proper English are went.
*sees group of firemen standing around a campfire*
me: hEY leave that little guy alone
An ambulance just went down my road. Within seconds I went running outside to see where it stopped. I have become my parents.
My mom always put safety first. She used to warn me about running with scissors as we rode in her convertible with no seatbelts going 80 mph on the highway after she had a few beers.
I’ve had 3 new bosses at work in the last 6 months.
I wonder when they’re going to bring me in for questioning.
I should move the bodies.
You don’t know awkward and uneasy until you’ve seen the way I hold a cat.
How normal people flirt…”Hey Sexy*
How I flirt …If you were a tree you’d be a great tree
Me: Our kids are finally at an age where we can sleep in on week-
Youth sports: Let me stop you right there.
6: how do you spell once?
Me: o-n-c-e
6: how do you spell upon?
Me: u-p-o-n
6: how do you spell-
Me: what are you doing?
6: writing a story. how do you spell…
It’s going to be a long weekend.
Cashier: what’s with all the pineapple juice?
Me: *winks*
-Spends the night making delicious umbrella drinks with my cat.
Perfect one night stand:
Amish person.No internet access.
No phones.
In the heat of passion they’ll whisper the secret to apple butter.
ME: and what are we going to do next time?
7YR OLD: you’re going to let me know in advance before you shave your beard
M: and for you?
7: I’m not going to scream “STRANGER! DANGER!” or call 911
A tenable situation implies the existence of an elevenable situation
Congrats, you’ve been selected for the job
Me: Whats the salary?
10k now and will increase to 25k later
Me: Ok then, I will come later
Chasing my dream
Dream: I have a girlfriend
she loves me [takes bite of hotdog]
she loves me not [takes another bite of hotdog]
*Me making playground small talk with other parents*
“Congrats on the sex bro”
I just wish I had someone who wanted to touch me as much as my shower curtain does.
Life is like a box of condoms. If you don’t use one, you never know what you’re goin get.
Drunk stranger: my kids drive me to drink.
Me, having to drive myself places: *whispers* lucky.
fred: I can’t figure out who the monster is
scooby: that guy’s face smells like a rubber mask
fred: really no idea who it is
scooby: it’s him, it’s that guy–
fred: just no way to know
My daughter is writing a poem about our dog and she’s trying to find a word that rhymes with his name. Our dog’s name is Tucker. This will not end well.
Actually told a girl who’s moving to France soon that “there’s lots of French people over there”. It’s a wonder how I can even bathe myself.
I was once told that if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all. Due to this,I’ve been observing a vow of silence since 1997.